The next time you find yourself guiltily pondering, “”Who is going to notice if I take this?”” go ahead and follow in the footsteps of Lindsay Lohan. Although little Miss Lohan is caught in a trap slightly more serious than our favorite 1998 Disney remake, she most likely will not do time for the crime.
In case you have not been following the latest celebrity gossip, a stolen necklace was seen on the exceptionally bony neck of Lohan the day after it was allegedly stolen from an LA jewelry boutique.
One would logically think that Lohan would be imprisoned faster than Jaws to human flesh. Yet somehow her days are spent frolicking through Beverly Hills and most likely sipping Long Island iced teas, minus the iced tea.
There is a reason A-List stars are not cast on popular courtroom dramas. It’s simply because they usually do not have to deal with it.
Lohan’s celebrity status gives her an advantage in the courtroom and somehow serves her justice by not serving her any actual justice. But, though I have yet to have a personal meet and greet with Lindsay, I am sure her fame is not the only reason she does not receive equal punishments for her actions.
It’s safe to say that minimal penalties are easy to acquire if you know how to use your mouth. Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about using natural-born charm to get out of criminal accusations.
Of the 59 students the UAPD arrested on minor in possession charges in 2011, I would guess few, if any, knew or cared about Lindsay Lohan. If they did, they may not have been arrested. Like Lohan, many UA students know how to escape the route of criminal doom.
Celebrity status definitely helps but, realistically, we don’t have it, no matter how many Facebook friends stalk our life. Still, batting eyelashes, flashing the pearly whites, making a casual joke … these things work.
The timeless tale of flirting with the cop and avoiding the speeding ticket might be cliche, but it’s also true. This happens on a daily basis. Dudes, this is not limited to girls. Remember Lil’ Wayne and T.I.? They were arrested for having extremely large semi-automatic weapons, machetes, etc. in their trunks and made it out of the pen in less than a year.
The most common misdemeanors UA deals with are minor in possession, parking tickets, red tags and unruly gatherings, all of which are punished with fines, community service hours and red pieces of paper taped to doorways. I pray that UAPD does not use this column to increase penalties, but you should know how to avoid harsher punishments.
Next time you find yourself handcuffed, or about to be handcuffed, picture the ghostly complexion of Lindsay Lohan, close your eyes and put yourself in her mindset, and time. The harshest penalties can be avoided.
But please, don’t keep this article in your wallet and use it as a means of reasoning the next time you are caught in a trap. If you get arrested, you can try to Lohan your way out of it. But you can’t actually blame it on Lohan.
— Caroline Nachazel is a sophomore majoring in journalism and communication. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
