We found Bryce Gundy selling gems on the UA Mall.

Wildcat: Do you think these gems are spiritual?

Gundy: There are people that believe that crystals are healing and they give you power. I think they have energy in them.

W: What kind of energy?

G: The rose quartz is the love stone. (Points to a group of rocks carved into penises.)

W: The penis one?

G: It’s made out of rose quartz.

(Holds up a black spherical stone.) This is the black tourmaline. It’s supposed to be the protection stone.

W: Oh, if you throw it at someone, right?

G: The energy is supposed to protect you. It’s supposed to cast all the evil spirits away.

W: What are these fossils?

G: These are ammonites and they’re ten million years old.

W: They’ve obviously been protecting people for a while then.

G: Well, this is actually a kind of fossil.

W: Can you combine all of these and make a gem soup?

G: Some cultures actually grind down the stuff and make it into powder.

W: For drugs?

G: No, for religious ceremonies, to brush over you. This is copper. (Holds up a copper bracelet.) Copper is supposed to take out all the bad toxins in your blood. It has magnets on the end to help collect blood flow.

W: Do the magnets take out the blood?

G: No, copper. It’s an old wives’ tale. You know how your hands turn green when you wear copper? It’s all the toxins leaving your body.

W: Whoa! That’s disgusting. I always thought it was just the rust.

G: Magnets are for blood flow.

W: Wait, how does it help if your blood is flowing a lot?

G: Some people have poor circulation.

W: So they use the copper to help them?

G: Well, it’s the magnets, because metal’s in your blood.

W: Oh. Are there gems in the blood too?

G: Not unless you ingest them.

W: What’s this sign that says, “”I Support Global Worming?””

G: Well, we’re Wormtown. That’s the name of our company.

W: Oh, I just thought you were worms.

G: We have workers in Africa, we have workers from all over the country, so…

W: What’s that have to do with worms?

G: Because we’re worms, because we’re Wormtown.

W: What do you think about “”Rock of Love””?

G: Is that a kind of rock?

W: Yeah, I think it’s similar to these penis rocks.

G: That rock is rose quartz.

W: Is this rose quartz? (Picks up a different colored penis rock.)

G: No, that’s crystal quartz.

W: Is that still a love rock?

G: No.

W: Oh, so this rose quartz penis is the love rock and these others are the sex rocks?

G: They’re just carved phalluses.

W: Is there a reason why the Buddha is next to the phalluses?

G: Just because they’re in the same tray. Actually, you’re the second person who’s said that to me today, so maybe I should just move them.

-Andi Berlin