Upperclassmen: Move on from Natty Lite

A large part of any self-respecting UA student’s college career is reverent attention to homework and attending lectures on time. Laugh out loud, just kidding; actually, it’s beer. The effervescent, amber liquid pervades much of the college culture, flowing like the Euphrates through the campus, into red cups, and then through the livers of many studious individuals.

As you begin to get older, you might just realize that there is more to this phenomenon than just Keystone Light. Freshmen and sophomores — don’t worry about this. This doesn’t apply to you yet; you should continue to be considered an aged beer expert every time you spring for PBR instead of Natty Lite. Just skip this article and look for yourself in the Police Beat.

The rest of you — it is time to become a beer connoisseur, a proverbial master of your palette, and just an overall annoyingly pretentious drinker of beer.

I immediately prescribe a visit to Plaza Liquors & Fine Wines, off of Campbell Avenue, which is the Willy Wonka Factory for people who love to drink beer. You will walk in and find your senses assailed with all sorts of micro-brewed wonderfulness. Every cool, hip beer will be there, bottles decorated with psychedelic artwork and names like “”Hop-apocalypse”” and “”Rancid Brew-Ha-Ha.”” You will find a vast array of radically different beers, dark to light, malty to hoppy, bubbly to not-so-bubbly. With enough visits (trust me, it gets addicting), you will soon be able to discern slight changes in character and flavor, subtle hints of coriander and clove, and the texture of fine beer.

With this newfound skill in your pocket, you can now walk confidently into parties, laugh at the Keystone Light on the table, drink it anyway, make that overused joke about how “”it’s like water,”” and then puke it up onto Stacey’s shoes. Old habits die hard. Try a few more trips to Plaza; progress is a slow beast.

— Johnny McKay is a media arts senior.

Awkward walking situations plague campus

Let’s take a moment to digress from any subject of real substance to discuss the walking habits of students on campus, primarily the attempts by many to avoid awkward walking. What do I mean by this? To walk awkwardly is to walk at the same pace next to someone you do not know.

Most of us avoid this kind of walking like the plague. For some reason, whether it is social norms or an innate sense, there is something strangely perturbing about walking next to a stranger at the same pace for a prolonged amount of time. We can delve into why later; what is interesting here is that we all try and avoid it.

Everybody splits into two different types of walkers: the invigorated gung ho, I-have-to-get-to-class type walkers and the too-cool-for-school type walkers. Both mostly do their job in eliminating awkward walking situations. The former usually walks right past everyone else, killing any chance for awkwardness, except for the people who think you’re a loser for going that fast. The latter uses the opposite tactics to slowly let others pass by as they coolly amble about.  

For guys, some of the most awkward walking times are the ones when you attempt to not seem like a stalker to a girl in front of you, even if they happen to be taking the same route that you are. Often, we take an alternative route or try the aforementioned options to offset similar walking speeds, which normally neutralize the unwanted stalkerishness.

Remember to always vary your walking speeds and try alternative routes to fend of the strangeness, and together, we can make this campus less awkward one step at a time.

— Brett Haupt is a journalism junior.