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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

Mexico gets medieval

Last week, in a scenario that sounds like the abandoned brainchild of a blazed kid playing Age of Empires, a catapult was used to launch weed over the border in Southern Arizona. The culprits were caught on a surveillance tape used by the US border police, who then promptly called the Mexican authorities, probably opening with something along the lines of “”Uhhhhh….”” When the authorities responded the perpetrators were already gone, leaving behind an SUV and the aforementioned catapult. In a state filled with a plethora of wacky stories and news clips about immigration issues, it seems only fitting that the next story in the saga would feature weaponry from the dark ages.

I personally admire the audacity of these would-be criminal masterminds. Clearly history buffs, they put their collective heads together during the scheme session and emerged with a plan that would make Wile E. Coyote proud. Utilizing the wisdom in the age-old adage of, “”If you can’t go through it, go over it,”” they managed to wage war on both gravity and the American government’s policy on illicit drugs. There was only one kink in their plan — we on this side of the fence were using 21st century technology. And I think that is completely out of line.

If the Mexican proletariat is going to change the nature of the game that we’ve been playing around this border, we need to keep up with them. If they are going to technologically lower the stakes, we need to technologically lower our stakes too. I call for a complete paradigm shift in our tactics at the border, fighting fire with fire by downgrading our technology to the level of mankind’s darkest time in history. Scrap the jeeps — we will be a completely horse mounted security force safeguarding our country. Given the gung-ho “”cowboy”” dynamic that seems to run through the souls of most border patrol agents, I’m sure this wouldn’t be an issue (Obscure reference: If the ostrich farm near Picacho Peak lets us borrow their animals, we could guard the nation “”Joust”” style). Guns can be replaced with swords, phones with carrier pigeons and sandwiches with giant legs of turkey, if renaissance fairs are to be believed. The most striking and obvious change would be to the border itself. In the most impressive example of “”we get the message”” in the history of man, the border fence would be changed to a giant moat. This would accomplish many things, increasing security, saving money in the long run and keeping with the theme of this increasingly absurd scenario I am laying out. Alligator maintenance costs would be a factor to consider, but I cannot imagine any other issues that would arise from the installation of a country-wide man-made defense river.

Sadly, such a tactic-changing debacle wouldn’t even be the craziest story to emerge from Arizona, as we seem hell-bent on making ourselves into the most nationally recognized state for poor decisions. I sense that there may be a scientific correlation to be found somewhere about that, possibly linked to the recent study that established Arizona as the most alcoholic state in America. As long as local taco vendors are still trying to serve lion meat tacos to the public (clearly disregarding America’s unwavering love for “”Lion King””), we will still have our throne of weirdness to sit on. After that story fades, we should finally be able to enjoy a little bit of mass media normalcy in Arizona. Normalcy that will, of course, soon be shattered when Mexicans attempt to trebuchet a kilo of cocaine into our backyard next week.

— Johnny McKay is a media arts senior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.

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