The Student News Site of University of Arizona

The Daily Wildcat

92° Tucson, AZ

The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat


Arizona screws the pooch on immigration bill

It’s always a scary moment when the terrifying yet humorous world as imagined by the twisted writers of South Park manifests into reality. It’s a bit frightening when the characters, whose actions reflect utter stupidity and ignorance, are capable of evoking tears of laughter, actualize into members of your community. Or when the skewed morals and absurd sense of justice portrayed on a TV screen for entertainment is mirrored in the laws beyond the realm of television.

If ultimately signed into law, the consequences of this legislation — both intended and unintended ­— targeting illegal immigrants, place this state in a dead heat with the fictitious South Park for the “”Best Performance in Theater of the Absurd”” award.

In South Park’s eighth season, an episode called “”Goobacks”” aired in which humans from the future come to South Park in search of jobs due to overpopulation and the terrible conditions of the future. The future people’s willingness to work for nearly nothing results in the loss of jobs for the present people of South Park. Men of the town congregate to express their concerns as best they can, which mostly amounts to slurred repetition of “”they took our jobs”” and decide that the best solution to the problem is to participate in a homosexual orgy. Ridiculous? Yes. Inappropriate? Extremely. Accurate? Somewhat. Based on the law brewing in Arizona, it seems that the best answer to illegal immigration is, in fact, to screw each other.

The measure, awaiting the signature of Gov. Jan Brewer, R-Ariz., would require that police determine someone’s immigration status should they suspect that person to be in the country illegally. In contrast, the current policy only allows officers to ask about someone’s immigration status if they are suspected in another crime. In effect, this law would encourage racial profiling and waste of scarce resources.

Provisions of this bill allow citizens to sue government agencies should they hamper enforcement of immigration laws and would make hiring illegal immigrants for day labor or knowingly transporting them illegal.

Sen. Leah Landrum Taylor, D-Phoenix, worried that such legislation would create disarray by generating suspicion amid neighbors. Such concerns are supported by the alleged problems emerging in Winslow, Ariz., due to the bill, as reported in the Los Angeles Times.

The members of the small community of Winslow are torn in response to the measure. While some feel uncomfortable with the idea of seeing their neighbors deported, others plan to aid in the search, report suspected undocumented residents to the authorities and screw their neighbors.

Winslow resident Marie Lamar, 81, said that she plans to partake in the latter and “”complain to the City Council if the law is not enforced.””

“”Political correctness is a disease like typhoid and malaria,”” Lamar said. “”Until we are all law-abiding citizens, the system will never work.””

While Mesa Republican and sponsor of the bill Sen. Russell Pearce said the measure would enable police to arresting violent criminals, Winslow City Attorney Dale Patton Jr. disagrees.

“”I’ve practiced law for 30 years, and I’ve seen real criminals,”” he said. “”But most of these people are not criminals. For the most part, they are good, clean, hardworking people who just want to earn a living for their families.””

Meet restaurant manager Leoncio, 39. He asked that his full name not be used because of his lack of papers — but not for a lack of effort. According to Leoncio, he has been struggling to acquire legal status for nine years.

“”I hate being illegal,”” he said. “”If I am arrested and deported, my wife and five children, who are citizens, will go on welfare and food stamps. Is that really what people want?””

Yes, Leoncio, that is precisely what this bill implies. It essentially reads, “”Screw you. Screw your wife and children, and, while we’re at it, screw ourselves by putting more people on welfare that don’t need to be.””

As the saying goes, screw others as you would like to be screwed.

Former Mayor Allan Affeldf maintains that the cost of enforcing this law will extinguish the fiery bill.

“”I predict the City Council will declare, ‘Of course, we will implement the law — when we have the resources to do so,'”” he said. “”Give city officials the rational choice between chasing undocumented people or property crimes, and they will choose the latter.””

Here’s hoping that we screwed the economy enough to keep us from screwing the illegal immigrants along with our collective conscience as a nation.

Though extensive illegal immigration calls for restrictive actions, there must be a compromise between current legislation and legalizing racial profiling and encouraging informants, a tactic more reminiscent of Nazi Germany and Communist Russia than modern America, ideally.

Perhaps the only rational question that requires answering when real life legislation mirrors South Park is: What would Eric Cartman do?

With that in mind, screw you guys, I’m going home.

— Rachel Leavitt is a creative writing sophomore.

She can be reached at

More to Discover
Activate Search