Dear Sexual Editor,

My friend told me that cold sores are herpes. She told me that if I give my boyfriend a blow job he could get herpes just because I get cold sores off and on. Is this true? How is this possible? Can you get any other STDs from common things like cold sores? Should I tell my boyfriend to get tested?

– Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

That sure is a lot of questions, but let’s see if we can sideline one or maybe even a couple of them and get to the nitty-gritty insults and unrelated political diatribes that everyone really wants to read. Anonymous, if that’s even your real name, you probably won’t give your boyfriend herpes by satisfying him in the best way a woman can possibly satisfy a man (besides buying him that Hamburger Helper with the potatoes, if he’s a philistine.)

You probably just have a canker sore, which is very similar to a cold sore, but not caused by herpes. These sores occur inside the mouth and can be brought on by food allergies, bacteria and even sex hormones caused by being on the ragtime band once a month (your period). Almost every person gets a canker sore or two throughout their lives, so don’t freak out about it.

On the small chance that you actually do have herpes, it’s probably not a good idea to give your boyfriend the one-two until you go see a gynecologist. (Contrary to popular belief, STDs can spread from one person to another.) To be honest, most everyone’s problems can be solved by going to the doctor instead of asking the ignorant English major who thinks she has AIDS when she gets a yeast infection. I have no freaking idea what your sores look like, so pick up your broken RAZR you got last week and call up Campus Health Service.

As for the boring political diatribes and salacious insults, I’ll skip out this week because I’ve had enough with the presidential charades and I’m also in a nice mood. I also feel bad about making fun of someone with herpes. For God’s sakes, someone else with a funny fake name please write in by next Tuesday so we can discuss more interesting matters like sex changes or bestiality. C’mon, give me something real to berate!

Sincerely,
Sexual Editor