Assholes Finish First. Talk about a hard-hitting book title, but what else would you expect from Tucker Max, author of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell?
Max, who wrote about his outrageous drunken and sexual experiences in I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell will include the same kind of anecdotes in his second non-fiction work, Assholes Finish First, which will also reveal his sexual to-do list.
As hilarious as some of Max’s alcohol-related stories can be, it’s difficult to stomach the concept that assholes finish first in life. Perhaps it’s true, but don’t the nice people of the world owe it to themselves to change this fact, especially in light of Valentine’s Day?
With regards to relationships, assholes can only finish first if they have significant others are doormats. Most of us have sadly been there — this author definitely has — and I commend any and all strong women who have never been in this situation.
The New York Times recently published an article about the higher female-male ratio on college campuses, and the piece also addresses the issue of college women sometimes settling for mediocrity and emotional abuse.
When it comes to cheating, University of North Carolina student Emily Kennard told the Times, “”That’s a thing that girls let slide because you have to. If you don’t let it slide, you don’t have a boyfriend.””
It’s unfortunate that an educated young woman would have such low standards when it comes to dating — not to mention a dangerously low self-esteem. It’s this sort of behavior that fuels the “”assholes finish first”” mentality.
This could also have to do with the fact that some people are so afraid of being alone, they’re willing to be emotionally bulldozed for the sake of companionship.
Many would say that college women have unrealistic expectations for their male counterparts.
“”Guys your age don’t want anything serious,”” you’ll sometimes hear, but this may not always be the case.
As disappointing as players, cheaters and liars can be, there are a lot of genuine, well-mannered college men who know what they want and wouldn’t let a girl down.
“”I never even considered cheating on my former girlfriend,”” said Adam Welby, a media arts senior.
Creative writing senior Brett Larson shares a similar sentiment. “”If I am in a relationship, I only want to be with that girl.””
Wouldn’t it be great if all men (and women) could be so loyal to their significant others?
“”Sensible people don’t want to play games with others because we’re secure enough that we don’t need to,”” Welby added. “”I’ve never ignored a girl who tried pursuing me, even if I wasn’t necessarily interested.””
Though he isn’t pleased with the complex college-dating scene, Welby understands that negative relationships are a reality in our culture.
“”In a perfect world, we wouldn’t have TV shows such as ‘I Can’t Believe She’s Dating Him,'”” he said.
When it comes to dating, there will always be the well-intentioned and the manipulative, but why run after trouble all the time? Sometimes the classy guys fall into the “”friend zone,”” but it doesn’t have to be this way. Why not go for the persistent individual who chases you, writes you letters and is secure enough to be with only one person at a time?
I have high hopes for the down-to-earth people of the world, and I’d like to see nice guys finish first. It’s a collaborative effort, of course. For Valentine’s Day, remember to love what’s good for you. Being treated with respect will allow you to do that.
—Laura Donovan is a creative writing senior. She can be reached with chocolates, roses
and rebuttals or agreements at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
