Letters from Mallory Hawkins

Mallory Hawkins

I hate to break it to you, but being a drunk girl in a sea of drunks at a party is not a feat. Being the drunk girl, however, surely is. There’s always one girl who everyone loves to hate. She had too much to drink, is a hot mess, and, despite being annoying as hell, everyone finds her charming. If she were less hot, wandering aimlessly, talking at anyone within earshot about the 19-second keg stand she just did, it wouldn’t have same effect. Drunk girls look like rock stars even when they’re sloshed. It’s in their DNA, but if you’d like to test fate, there are a few steps you can take to be more like that girl.

Before you get to the party, there’s a lot of prep work. It all starts with the outfit. Pick something that will allow you to have a wardrobe malfunction. No drunk girl, in the history of drunk girls, has had a night to remember while wearing a turtleneck. Part of their charm is that drunk girls always inadvertently flash you some skin and then laugh about it. Depending on your best asset, I would suggest wearing either a low-cut shirt with no bra or a short dress that allows for plenty of panty shots. A skimpy dress should get the job done.   

No outfit is complete without the shoes. As a rule of thumb — if you can’t walk in a pair of shoes at the beginning of the night, the situation isn’t going to get better as the night goes on. Don’t let that deter you. It is common knowledge that the best way to identify a drunk girl is by her bare feet, with her shoes in tow. It is worth mentioning that some girls are true champs and refuse to take the shoes off. That sort of drunk girl can be identified by her need to take a break (either on a bench or against a tree) after each block of walking. Either way, start the night in shoes that not even Kim Zolciak’s wig guy would dream of wearing, and you’ll be set.

Bragging about how much you drink is a must. If even one person is unaware of the fact that you’ve taken eight shots in the past hour, you’re doing something wrong. Everyone should always be up to the minute with your alcohol intake. After beer five, though, people will start to lose interest. You’ll need to get creative about how to keep them updated. Consider inviting people to shotgun a beer with you. When you finish, look at them and proudly slur, “”Wow! That was my sixth beer, and I still kicked your ass!”” Who isn’t fond of a gracious winner?

When you aren’t bragging about your attempt at alcohol poisoning, you should be belligerently shouting every word (you’ve made up) to the songs on the party mix. You can gauge your level of drunkenness on whether or not you’re worried about how terrible you sound. Drunk girls have no inhibitions. You should feel like you’re the next Kelly Clarkson, even if you more closely resemble William Hung.

Speaking of music, it is your duty as a drunk girl at a house party to play guest DJ without permission. Right before the chorus of a popular song, such as “”Don’t Stop Believin'”” or “”Black and Yellow,”” change the song to something of your likings (either Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus or Britney) and start singing along immediately. Everyone will be too focused on starting the chorus on time to notice you scheming in the background. Once you change the song, though, get ready for some serious backlash. Since you’ll be so drunk, you can just giggle it off or offer shots to everyone.

After 10 minutes or so, when everyone has moved on from your lapse in judgment, pop a mint and hit on everyone, boys and girls alike. No need to ask if someone wants to make out. Decide for them, and just do it. Everyone expects the drunk girl to be slutty anyway.

Last but not least, it is imperative that you get a picture with all your new friends that you met during the night. The best time to do this is when your new bestie is deep in conversation with someone else. Just rudely interrupt the two and in your shrillest voice, ask the other person, “”OMG-will-you-take-a-picture-of-me-and-my-new-best-friend?!”” No matter how terrible it turns out, be sure to comment on the quality of the picture and how much you love it.

If you did your job right — the more obnoxious the better — people will talk about you for weeks, and only good things, because no matter how hard they try to deny it, everybody loves a drunk girl.

— Mallory Hawkins is a communication senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.