Catnip

Andrew Austin

Hollywouldn’t: Mariah’s new stench

Mariah Carey is the musical equivalent of herpes: She never really goes away and infects anything that comes near her mouth. And like the cold sore she is, Mariah is back to ruin everybody’s week, pushing her new fragrance, M, on an unsuspecting generation of adolescent girls and middle-aged women still frightened by the sight of a penis.

The scent, which is touted as Mariah’s own unique formulation, combines Tahitian flowers, Moroccan incense and toasted marshmallows. Now in addition to starving themselves to emulate airbrushed photos of Mariah, female fans will be continuously taunted by the smell of smores.

Someone needs to take away two of her three Grammys and use the remaining one to beat some sense into her.

It’s a Mitzvah!

David Brooks is a cool Dad. When it came time for his daughter’s bat mitzvah, the former CEO of DHB Industries pulled out all the stops. Invitations were sent in leather-bound envelopes, guests received free iPods and entertainment for the night included Aerosmith, 50 Cent, Kenny G, Tom Petty and the Eagles. Sounds pretty rad, huh?

Well, what’s not so great is that Brooks was recently busted for embezzling company money to pay for his lavish lifestyle. Money that could have gone to the faulty bulletproof vests his company sold to the U.S. Army that were unable to block bullets.

DHB Industries has since changed its name, and Brooks is currently facing a 21-count indictment for charges that include tax evasion, securities fraud, insider trading, obstruction of justice and forcing people to listen to Aerosmith.

Halloween review: Scariest costume

So you didn’t have the balls to dress up like a beaten Myanmar monk for Halloween and were one of the few thousand guys dressed as King Leonidas from “”300″” or girls dressed as a slutty police officer.

The best outfit this Halloween was courtesy of artists Ethan Persoff and Scott Marshall, who devised probably the scariest costume ever: the closeted anti-gay Republican senator who’s on the NRA board of directors. The Texas-based artists created a printable Larry Craig mask available for download. What’s scarier than a face that says, “”I want to deny you your civil rights as long as I can still get handjobs in public bathrooms.””

Kids corner: GapKids

So what do you do after your sweatshop in Saipan gets closed down for unsafe working conditions and forced abortion policies? You move it to India, but this time skip on those pesky adult workers who will rat out your shady labor practices and hire children.

Another year, another labor dispute for Gap Inc. This time the company has been busted by the BBC for hiring kids as young as 10 in a New Delhi factory to make clothes ironically destined for GapKids. Taking the FUBU acronym “”For Us By Us”” a little too literally, some frail kid in a textile factory right now is stitching away the same shirt that will be worn by some other frail kid who will get beat up on the playground. Gap Inc. somehow has managed to claim an unprecedented third nomination for the Asshole of the Year award.

Oh, and if you have any Banana Republic or Old Navy clothes, Gap Inc. owns them too, so give yourself a nice pat on the back for supporting sweatshops …again.

Quote of the week: J-Lo on the go?

“”She costs too much money and doesn’t sell enough. Her last album cover alone cost $60,000 in hair and makeup, lighting, photographers, re-touching, etc. The video budget was in the neighborhood of $300,000. From her makeup – which typically costs in the neighborhood of $8,000 per day – to the backup singers, to the rigging, lighting and sound. The woman requires everything short of flying monkeys to get on a stage.””

– an unidentified source at Sony BMG on why Jennifer Lopez will soon be dropped from her contract