Newsworthy
German innovators are taking a money shot aimed at making sex an easier and safer experience. The idea: spray-on condoms. The plan is simple; a spray can that will coat the extremity in a fit-all-sizes coat of latex ready for some bump and grind in as little as five seconds. “”We call it the ‘360 degree procedure’ – once round and from top to bottom. It’s a bit like a car wash,”” said Jan Vinzenz Krause from the Institute for Condom Consultancy. Krause hopes to have the spray can on the market by 2008. Let’s just hope that when your special someone reaches for a spray can in her purse she doesn’t grab the mace instead.

Sounds
Remember Hobie from Baywatch? All grown up now and looking much like a confused transvestite that went from pre-op to re-op, the Botox-laden, self-proclaimed “”MySpace stud”” has released a new single. Learning nothing from Federline, Jeremy Jackson has attempted to bridge the narrow gap between pop and pop with a subtle hip-hop influence. His new single “”Like This”” is featured on the former-star’s MySpace page and contains some of the most embarrassing lyrics heard since Vanilla Ice’s Platinum Underground. For example: “”Fer shiz, act like you don’t know who this is,”” with a definitive stress on the “”-er”” typically reserved by Caucasians trying to ill-perform ghetto slang. Hey J. Jackson, street cred isn’t something you can rack up on your American Express.

Random Review
The Post-Rapture Post is a postal service for the soon-to-be raptured to let those who have been “”left behind”” know what to expect in the coming times of the Apocalypse. The site features a variety of letter formats and greeting cards with such titles as “”Told You So!”” to be delivered after God has ascended his believers into the heavens during the reign of the Antichrist. But how can the cards be delivered if the righteous have been removed from our sinful earth? The service is run by atheists. After all, who else but the damned will be able to deliver your messages anyway?

Thou shalt be linked: www.postrapturepost.com.

Quoteworthy
“”Why not? I think in this day and age, fans would have accepted it. I mean, look at ‘Doctor Who’ – that has had gay scenes in it and no one blinks an eye.”” – Daniel Craig, the new 007, urges movie producers to put a gay lovemaking scene in the next James Bond movie. In other news, Sylvester Stallone will play a cross-dresser in the upcoming “”Rambo”” sequel.

Gripe of the Week
Somehow the temperature in Tucson went from T-shirt warm to colder than the crack of an Eskimo’s ass in about 0.05 seconds last week. I don’t mind cold weather because I think layering can be fun. It would be nice to live in a place where scarves were worn out of necessity instead of just by a bunch of “”artsy”” people downtown who, more or less, brandish them as gay- pride banners to flow from their skinny neck-poles as they ride around on their “”antique”” bicycles. However, I don’t appreciate when the weather snaps a quick 180 and decides to freeze-blast me on my way to class when I’m wearing a pair of jeans that were prematurely removed from the dryer and a thin, long-sleeved shirt. I also don’t appreciate that if you don’t have a parking pass, there’s not a single place to park within like a mile of the entire campus unless you know a guy that lives somewhere around Highland and Buttf**k, Egypt.

Images
Before he was Larry the Cable Guy, infamous redneck with the cliché line “”Git-R-Done,”” he was Dan Whitney, the retarded twin of Dave Coulier with a voice similar to Andy Dick. Rare footage of Larry the Cable Guy has sprung up on YouTube, highlighting the blue-collar comedian’s early years in standup. His look, mannerisms and tone suggest a much more effeminate guy, which is a huge sucker punch of irony for his typical NASCAR-watching, cousin-dating, third-grade dropout coterie of fans. Best joke ever: “”(My grandma) broke her leg the other day. She was riding her exercise bike in the house. The brakes went out; she drove right into the couch.”” I wonder if the mullet he sported back then was inspiration for his career.

YouTube has it. Search for: Dan Whitney rare footage