This first piece of advice is not merely a recommendation, but a must. In order to fully prepare for the glorious week of beach bumming and blackout drinking that is Spring Break, you must let your friends know that you mean business and are ready to party hard. The only fit way of conveying this readiness is by transforming your Facebook status into a countdown timer. The most efficient way to do so is by stating something along the lines of, “”It’S tHe FiNaL cOuNtDoWn: SpRiNg BrEaK 2011 iS iN 3 wEeKs!!!!! It’S aBoUt To GeT wIlD, bItChEs!”” And yes, you must end your sentence with “”bitches,”” otherwise your enthusiasm is mediocre, at best.  

Once you have committed to updating your status on the reg, you are ready to move on to the next three steps — gym, tan, laundry. You must be fully committed to hitting up the Rec at least once a day. We all know that you have been slacking the past few weeks, so you better make up for it in these next three weeks. When you feel like you can’t work on your fitness for another minute, envision yourself jogging on the beach toward the hottie of your dreams, only you have to stop every two minutes to catch your breath because you’re so out of shape. That will encourage you to work a little harder. Oh and ladies, remember Sir Mix-A-Lot’s advice when hitting the gym — “”you can do sidebends and sit-ups, but please don’t lose that butt.””

Moving on to laundry. I’ll state the obvious — you have three weeks to get that done or else you are going to be “”that”” person who smells like ass all of Spring Break. Nobody wants to be friends with the person who doesn’t have anything to wear because all of his/her clothes are at home in the laundry or waiting to be dropped off at the dry-cleaners.

While we’re on the topic of clothes, I should also mention now is the time to take back that bikini you bought at the beginning of January when you were just convinced that you were going to lose ten pounds by Spring Break. I hate to break it to you, but not even the Special K diet could help you shed enough pounds to fit into that swimsuit. Just take it back and get the next size up. There’s no shame in looking good in a size 8, but there’s plenty of shame in wearing a size 4 that is engulfed by your butt and thighs.

For those of you who are new to Spring Break, you might question why tanning is in the preparation and not the execution. The short answer is that tanning should be your best friend throughout the year. Since we live in Arizona, there’s no excuse not to have some color. You should know ghost white is never a good look, so if you haven’t already, start working on your base tan. Plus, everybody knows that tan skin is more flattering and since you’ll be wearing close to nothing during Spring Break, you need all the help you can get. Furthermore, guys, you should use this time to get rid of your farmer’s tan. A lady may find your tractor sexy, but she probably won’t be able to say the same about that tan line around your biceps.  

I know you don’t want to hear this last one, but it’s important. You should use these next three weeks to give your liver a break. Chances are that you’ll be binge drinking like the Prohibition is on its way back, so there’s no sense in making your liver work hard now. Plus if you lay off the alcohol now, it might not take you as much to get drunk in three weeks. This means more money in your wallet to buy that girl at the bar a drink, or to order room service when you don’t think you’ll make it out of your hotel bed.

I am counting down the days until the “”SpRiNg BrEaK 2011″” and “”I Did Whaaat? — Spring Break 2011″” photo albums to start popping up on Facebook. Just remember — always be safe and never drink the water.

P.S. Do us all a favor and schedule a waxing appointment before you head out of town, ladies and gents alike. Although it would make a good story, hooking up with Sasquatch is not an experience people want to come home with.   

­— Mallory Hawkins is a communication senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.