Through blood-tinted glasses

The story: Sen. Jon Kyl spends a day in Iraq and declares, “”The sense of hope and optimism was palpable … everyone I met in Baghdad – Iraqi or American, general or private – believed that we were finally moving in the right direction.””

The diss: “”Everyone”” Kyl met during his whirlwind Baghdad photo op was optimistic? Presumably he didn’t meet any of the dozens of car bomb victims who rained chunks of their own flesh across Baghdad that day. Nor did he meet the humanitarian workers who expect 1 million Iraqis to flee their home this year. A grown-up of average intelligence might suspect that these Baghdad Pollyannas were a tad biased. Kyl betrays no doubts about their sunny outlooks, and rumor has it that he is not stupid. That leaves only one explanation for his latest puerile nonsense: He thinks we are stupid.

– Shane Ham is a first-year law student.

Felonies for footsies?

The story: Two 13-year-old boys in McMinnville, Ore., have been smacking girls’ behinds and poking their breasts for amusement. They are now faced with felony sexual abuse charges.

The diss: This is a win-win situation all around. First, this sets the precedent that age is no excuse for criminal behavior. Our society needs to be protected from demonic little miscreants who steal candy bars from convenience stores or harass their female classmates – they’re a serious threat to you and me. Second, this teaches young girls that instead of being independent and defending themselves, they should rely on authority figures to fight their battles for them. The institutionalized subjugation of women is a great thing. Seriously, though, this case is just one more example of pointless moralism triumphing over intelligence. A slap on the wrist and a firm “”Now don’t do it again, damnit!”” is all these kids really need.

– Taylor Kessinger is a sophomore majoring in physics, math and philosophy.