Dear UA student body: We need to have a little chat. Something has been wrong with your performance for some time, and it must be addressed: You suck at getting dressed.

Yes, I know, I’ve heard all the excuses – you’re exhausted from reading your incredibly difficult ‘Mind, Matter and God’ textbook; you have an 8 a.m. class and needed to wear flannel; you are the beer pong champ of the world, and so what you wear means nothing compared to your prowess at drinking games.

No more! It’s got to stop! My eyes simply cannot take it anymore. Here are a few of the most nefarious offenses.

First, the women. I know plenty of you read Vogue, and you obviously deduced that leggings were trendy right now. However, I object to your flagrant abuse of these popular pants.

I know you think you demonstrate your avant-garde fashion sense when you pair everything with your flip-flops and haphazardly cut Zona Zoo T-shirt, but I assure you – avant-garde you are not.

I applaud your attempt to look cutting-edge, but wearing nothing but leggings with a shirt that ends at your waist simply displays your camel toe, not your fashion aptitude. Wear a longer shirt or a dress – I don’t want to see Britney Spears’ vagina, and I don’t want to see yours, either.

Another issue at hand, ladies: your glaring misuse of Chanel, Dolce & Gabbana and Gucci. These are houses of design that produce couture shows twice a year.

Contrary to UA-style patterns, wearing your designer sunglasses (covered in a huge, glittering logo) does not make your ensemble – grungy sweatpants, flip-flops, and a T-shirt you (so creatively) cut the neck out of – look classy. It’s the equivalent of wearing a used condom and thinking a Prada bag could improve the look. Let’s not insult these designers, shall we?

I wonder, with all those incredibly witty shirts proclaiming how much Everyone Loves A (insert your religious affiliation or ethnicity here), why doesn’t someone just make a Everyone Loves Someone Who Dresses Like Everyone Else shirt? It would make millions!

That way, not only could you have the same shirt as everyone else, it would also unabashedly proclaim: “”What’s wrong with looking trite and boring? So does everyone else!””

Furthermore, besides looking like everyone else, you look like everyone else … two years ago. Did no one get the memo that was sent out? It was titled, “”Velour Is Not Okay And Never Was.””

And who started the trend of dressing like a middle-aged woman’s living room dǸcor in the first place? All you wannabe Paris Hiltons out there, it might be low-rise, but you still look like you got high and decided Princess Jasmine was your new style icon.

Now, the men. I understand the lure of wearing multiple Lacoste polo shirts to prove just how upper-middle class you are. It must be tempting, wanting so badly to proclaim from the core of your being that both your parents are surgeons! And they give you a generous allowance!

That little alligator aptly indicates that you spent $78 of your parents’ income to identify you as bourgeois. Good job.

In conclusion, some suggestions for improvement, as any good performance analysis contains: You are students. Your job is to come to class and attempt to learn information.

When you come to class looking as though you do not care if your professor knows how many Grey Goose martinis you drank last night, you do not show that you give a crap about being in a university.

I suggest wearing real pants, a shirt without words on it or intelligent words, if need be. I also suggest that you realize your clothing says something about you. I want to give some of you credit. Many of you do not need to show how big your allowance is or to tell others that everyone loves an Asian boy.

I would hope, with all the money being spent on degrees that take five years, that just a few of you are smart intellectuals. Smart intellectuals do not wear velour.

Good luck in the future. You’ve been warned. Love, Allison.

Allison Dumka is a political science senior. She can be reached at letters@wildat.arizona.edu.