At the Rose Bowl Saturday, I happened to see a copy of UCLA’s version of the “”Zona Screw,”” a newsletter passed out at Arizona football and basketball games that provides game analysis and ammunition to shout at the opponent.

Just UCLA’s “”The Dirt”” really does the job.

Check out this excerpt (without editing):

“”The Cats, as they sometimes call themselves, (due to the amount of time and intelligence it takes to say the whole name) shouldn’t pose much threat to the Bruins. If football is 50% mental and 50% physical, the Cats are only playing about half of the game at anyone time – we’re guessing it’s the physical part. If you think we are just being mean … keep reading.

“”Like I said, we don’t anticipate … much trouble from these Cro-Magnons. We’re basically amazed they even found their way to Los Angeles. Ya see, for the second year in a row, the NCAA’s Graduation Success Rate report has given the ”University” of Arizona football team the worst grades in the Pac-l 0, graduating a disgustingly small 39% of their football team. On an average college football team, that’s only about 38 students.

“”How is that possible you ask? Well, DT Paul Philipp (#56) was arrested for using a fake ill back in October 2004, and DT Yaniv Barnett (#96) was suspended from the team earlier that month for his SECOND marijuana-related arrest that semester. So don’t be surprised about their graduation rate – you’d have a tough time getting to class too if you were drunk and stoned all day. And both men are still on the team roster. Apparently, Head Coach Mike Stoops, or Stoopsy if you will, prefers the fat, drunk, and stupid route through college for his players; or, he doesn’t even know what his team is doing.””

For all of you readers feeling riled up right now, that’s exactly the point.

These UCLA students did their research and came up with some interesting stuff, which is more than can be said about Arizona’s own “”Zona Screw.””

In the first “”Zona Screw”” of the year, we get this sterling tidbit of information: two Brigham Young players were suspended for breaking school codes: “”drinking alcohol”” and being in the “”presence of graphic films.””

How many Arizona students have done exactly that? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

And who didn’t know that BYU is the most “”stone-cold sober”” school in the nation, as ranked for the ninth straight year by The Princeton Review?

So shouting “”alcohol”” and “”graphic films”” is really going to taunt them, right?

“”The Dirt”” had to dig deep to find out about Philipp and Barnett, whose incidents happened a few years ago, and Arizona’s lack of success in graduating athletes has got to be one of the biggest ongoing problems the athletics department faces.

As for the “”Zona Screw,”” although its game analysis is nothing that hasn’t been said a number of times in media all over Tucson before game time, it can really do something in coming up with creative chants to throw the opposition off.

For years, Arizona basketball players have been serenaded with chants like “”Da-mon’s bet-ter”” (to his cousin Salim Stoudamire) and “”Your-team-hates-you”” (to Chris Rodgers).

With a tool like everyone’s favorite stalker machine www.facebook.com, there’s no reason Arizona fans can’t have chants that creative.

Chants like “”F#%@ the Beavers”” (or insert name of the opposition) only go so far.

Let’s see what kind of creative chants our fellow “”Cro-Magnons”” can come up with in the coming weeks.