Thank goodness the second week of school is coming to an end. I don’t know how much longer I could take of “”Hi! My name is Mallory. I am a senior from Modesto, California studying communication and religious studies.”” Nobody cares about that shit. My classmates would find greater satisfaction in knowing about each other’s availability, history of STDs and potential commitment issues. The first lesson of Spanish class should be to determine whether to use “”estas”” or “”eres”” when asking, “”are you DTF?”” and not how to ask, “”how are you?””

Professors should start acting as wingmen by implementing icebreakers that reveal useful information or by requiring each student to friend one another on Facebook. I mean honestly, what good is a professor if he or she is not willing to put in a little work for his or her students?

Imagine walking into class the first day to a professor who requires you to pair off in boy-girl dyads. During the first five minutes of class you two are to discuss your thoughts on one-night stands, topless tutoring and whether or not you respond to booty calls. Once the five minutes are up, rather than pretending to remember your partner’s name or where he’s from, you go around the class and share what you learned about your partner. At the end of class, each student hands in a paper to the teacher with his/her name, phone number, and headshot so the professor can create a phone tree to be emailed to the entire class by the end of the week. Holler.

This would drastically change the quality of life for college students. Wouldn’t it be nice to know from day one whether or not the pretty little thing in o-chem is as freaky in the sheets as she is serious about the periodic table? It would take the guessing component of figuring out who’s who in your classes. Guys would no longer flirt aimlessly with each girl in the class in order to figure out who is the smartest floozy, and girls would not fall victim to the hopeless game of a privileged but dumb college boy. Within the first five minutes of class, everyone’s role would become evident.  

Students aren’t the only ones that would benefit from this new take on icebreakers; professors might capture the attention of the students who would otherwise be Facebook-stalking classmates in order to find out any bit of information — whether or not someone has a bf or gf, parties or is promiscuous. Time would not be wasted trying to flirt or make weekend plans but instead used for its actual purpose — learning.

— Mallory Hawkins is a communication senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.