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The Daily Wildcat

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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat




    “”SexyBack,”” by Justin Timberlake, is one of the most addictive songs I have ever heard. Superficially, it’s the perfect display of a manufactured pop ballad, 100 percent marketed toward making it to the top singles list. Yet at its core lies a force so powerful it’s pulled me into actually enjoying a former ‘N Sync member’s work. I have no idea if I should just cut my testicles off now and call it a day for masculinity, or if I should wait for the song to inevitably leech me dry of my testosterone. Regardless, you’ve definitely won this battle Timberlake, but your assortment of queer-esque other singles will surely stray me from any long-term fandom.

    Gripe of the Week

    Scotland Yard’s Violent Crime Command has recently released a sketch of what they believe Jack the Ripper, one of the first recorded serial killers, looked like, and, surprise, it’s Freddie Mercury from Queen! The sketch comes only 118 years late and clocks in at an astounding speed of missed-your-mark-by-about-a-goddamn-century. I suppose Scotland Yard has finally managed to solve all their cases and decided to start digging up old ones. Because the sketch bears such an eerie resemblance to Mercury, it’s possible to assume that the killer, like Mercury, must have been of Indian descent, which back then was on par with our more modern tradition of blaming a black individual for crimes – ultimately showing us what we all already knew: the British were racist asses. Where’s Johnny Cochran when we need him?


    The book “”If I Did It”” by O.J. Simpson has been axed, or should I say knifed, by News Corp., the parent company of publisher HarperCollins. Chairman of News Corp., and conspirer to world domination, Rupert Murdoch called the book deal an “”ill-considered project”” and extended his apologies to the Goldman and Brown families. The book would have featured an in-depth theoretical narration by O.J. Simpson on “”how he would have killed Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman had he actually done it.”” In other news, scientists are amazed to learn Murdoch actually has a functioning heart.


    “”I went to rehab in wine country, always a good choice; it’s like going to Colombia to quit cocaine. Not a great idea … I have a ranch up there; it’s like Gandhi running a delicatessen.””… Robin Williams, commenting on his recent stint in a northern California rehab center after trying to hide a three-year drinking problem. Williams previously had a cocaine addiction in the late ’70s and early ’80s that he also kicked. Now if he could just kick his addiction to working on crappy kid movies.


    Ex-Seinfeld star Michael Richards, better known as Kramer, was caught on tape throwing racial slurs at a group of African-American hecklers at the famous Laugh Factory in Los Angeles. Most of the actual dialogue is not suitable for print, but the clip features such lines as “”50 years ago, we’d have you upside down with a f***ing fork up your ass”” and “”Throw his ass out. He’s a n*****.”” No word yet on Richards doing any future work with Mel Gibson.

    Search for the video at Kramer Racist

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