When I think of Family Weekend, only one thing comes to mind: embarrassment. You may have a nice handbag and a Toni and Guy haircut, but a couple of overly boisterous parents with ’90s hair at the wrong moment can put even the coolest people in jeopardy.

Words of wisdom: be careful! Your parents create hazardous situations every step they take in those frumpy shoes, and unless you keep your cool, you could end up a casual Friday casualty yourself.

I’ve never had my family come down to Tucson for this minefield of a weekend, but I’ve had enough embarrassing situations in my life to recognize the potential danger zones. Of course, the circumstances involving sarcastic hand-clapping in public and pooping when you’re drunk don’t apply, but I still have plenty more you can learn from.

No. 1. Do not, I repeat, do not invite your new college friends out to dinner with your parents. It’s bound to be a disaster. No matter how “”edgy”” your parents were in the ’70s and what your roommate has been forced to eat in the last two weeks, the whole thing still isn’t going to work.

You’ll probably have to go someplace “”simple”” like Applebee’s, be conned into eating a sub-par honey mustard chicken sandwich so nobody feels uncomfortable with prices and freak yourself out trying to make conversation without incriminating yourself. Last time I was in a situation like this, the whole dinner discussion comprised the awkward “”So what do you do in school,”” and “”So tell me about yourself, Connie,”” until my nervous friend belted out a story that we both knew had weed in the punchline.

“”And I was like, hey Cheech, can you wait until after I eat my quesadilla to light that bong? Seriously!”” my friend said as her face turned drastically white.

“”Uhh, bone. Light that bone. Ribs!”” I screamed. It didn’t work.

To be honest, your friends really don’t want to meet your parents, and your parents probably don’t really want to meet your friends. They have nothing in common, and you’d probably be better off eating steak in the Foothills. For minimum humiliation, hide them away!

While we’re on this topic, it would probably be best if you keep your parents out of anywhere that’s cool and/or popular in general. They won’t like downtown, they definitely won’t like Fourth Avenue and even if they do like University Boulevard, they’ll make your experience a living hell. Can you imagine your mother at Kababeque, ordering the chicken schwarma? Even worse, can you imagine her at Thirsty Thursdays?

Here’s a new idea: If your parents are bossy in any way at all (or have a propensity for slutty sorority girls and cheap drink selections), make sure they wait until the actual weekend to make the trip down here. Either that, or force them to go to the mall the whole time instead.

Last but not least, if you want to gain a favorable impression with your parents and cohorts of all kinds, you have to remember ahead of time to clean your room. Not just that, but empty your trash can, for god’s sake. Last time my mom came over, I put the harrowing task off until five minutes before she came over, and then shoved all my cigarette packages, beer cans and condom wrappers into the garbage.

“”Looks like somebody needs to take out the trash,”” she proclaimed as she walked in the room. Next thing I knew, the material manifestation of all my sins was sprawled out on the floor. “”At least I used protection,”” I muttered on my hands and knees, scooping it all up like I was in a baby pool filled with jellybeans.

“”At least there weren’t any quesadillas,”” she said.