Random review: Cactus Moon

So it’s Wednesday night girls, where should we go?

What, Cactus Moon is having Ladies Night? We’re so there!

Sounds good, right? The allure of a cheap cover charge and discounted drinks, mixed with country music and R&B.

Wrong. It’s Wednesday fucking night. No place should be charging people to walk through a door to buy watered-down drinks on a Wednesday night.

Second, “”discounted”” drinks at the Moon are the same price as drinks at every other bar in town. So you have now just driven 30 minutes out of your way to pay the exact same price for drinks, and to listen to crappy music.

But it’s ladies night. Girls, you have now accepted discount based solely on the fact that you have a vagina between your legs. Congratulations on crapping on the face of Eleanor Roosevelt for the sole purpose of waving your vodka-cranberry in the air, shakin’ it to the latest single from Soulja Boy and shouting, “”Weeeooooo!””

It’s OK because the only thing worse than the girls conned by Cactus Moon are the guys who are paying a $5 cover just for their company. Guys like me last Wednesday night.

Kitty porn

Japanese toy maker Sanrio’s flagship brand, Hello Kitty, has been around for 33 years, meaning first adopters of Hello Kitty products are reaching their 40s. Clinging on to their customers, Sanrio has been producing adult Hello Kitty products and clothes for decades, but at what point do they cross the line?

Ten years ago, Sanrio licensed out the Hello Kitty brand to make a shoulder massager which oddly looked and functioned like a vibrator (insert obligatory “”pussy”” joke here). After the massager began to surface in porn films, Sanrio struggled to pull the makeshift sex toy from store shelves.

Fast forward to the now: The Web site Hello Kitty Hell is reporting that the discontinued “”shoulder massagers”” are back on the market, now available in black, red, purple and the original pink.

Sign of the Apocalypse: It’s a Small World

Sometimes, there are those rare occasions when irony is so obvious it will jump out from behind a dumpster, beat you to the ground with a baseball bat and take your wallet. Like this January, when the Small World ride at Disneyland will be closed down for refurbishment to accommodate the growing-size of riders.

Apparently the ride, designed in the 1960s, has been bottoming-out recently due to the increased weight of the average rider. To put it simply, Americans are now too fat to ride a Small World.

Disney cast members have reported off-the-record that the jams commonly happen around the Mountie representing Canada or the S-curve in the Scandinavian room. Boats will commonly stop, subjecting riders to “”It’s a Small World”” for upwards of 20 minutes before cast members realize there’s no boats for people left in line to board. Maybe it’s time fat Americans realize their lifestyle won’t fit in our smaller world – not even in Fantasyland.

Chuck Norris watch

Wonder who Chuck Norris supports for president? Yeah, I don’t really care either. But for some reason the 67-year-old star of “”Walker Texas Ranger”” wants to make sure you know that he’s behind Arkansas ex-governor Mike Huckabee.

After the realization that Newt Gingrich wouldn’t join the race, Norris recently endorsed Huckabee on his blog.

But let’s not avoid the real question here: who gave Chuck Norris a blog? Whoever you are, thanks. Thanks for forcing us to endure the ramblings of a geriatric martial artist who thinks “”superhighways”” will cause illegal immigrants to go on coast-to-coast crime sprees and that if he were president he would “”create new immigration legislation: to deport all liberals (then force them to listen to Bill O’Reilly every day for five years, at which point they may return).””

Hmmm …Bill O’Reilly? Well it would certainly beat having to read Chuck Norris’s blog.

Hollywouldn’t: It’s all about the Euros

You know our economy is in trouble when rap stars stop flashing the hundred-dollar bills in rap videos and opt for Euros. Yep, in the video for his latest single, “”Blue Magic,”” rap mogul Jay-Z flashes a healthy wad of 500 Euro notes.

At a time when our president is buying property in Peru, our children are being poisoned by toys from China and our companies are moving to Dubai, it’s just adding insult to injury when our rap stars won’t even flash “”the Benjamins”” anymore.

Sadly, “”Blue Magic”” isn’t getting much radio play, and Def Jam is sending Jay-Z out on an emergency promotional campaign. Maybe it’s time Jay-Z exchanges more cash into foreign currency before he goes broke.

Quote of the Week: In the ‘dog’ house

“”My mother was half-Mexican, and if they fought, Dog would call her a ‘dirty spic whore’ and a ‘dirty Mexican slut.’ That’s what he taught his kids was the right way to talk. When they got older, they had to un-learn the racism that Dog taught them. It’s sick. It’s like a disease, and it spreads. Dog is no American Hero, he’s an American nightmare!””

Nikki Gillespie, step-daughter of Duane Chapman, “”Dog the Bounty Hunter””