Whether you love them or hate them, Tucson has a wide variety of bars, and the same can be said for the U.S. and presidential candidates. It’s almost visible: an entourage of men in suits following Ted Cruz or Bernie Sanders as they walk in slow motion down Fourth Avenue. *Hair flip.* Where are they headed?

Ted Cruz — The Wreck

Like most of the dancers at The Wreck, Ted Cruz hasn’t ever actually used his cowboy boots to do cowboy things. I can see it now — Cruz garnered in booty shorts and cowboy boots, swinging giddily from The Wreck’s famous tire swing. This is also an A+ venue to cheat on your wife, because why would your wife ever go to The Wreck?

Donald Trump — Hi Fi Kitchen & Cocktails

Easily the best place for old rich men to hit on young women. Moreover, Trump goes through music choices just as quickly as Hi Fi, so it’s likely that he’ll love the jams. And Hi Fi is “yuuuuuuuuge,” and the alcohol is just his style — very expensive. “I mean, part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”

John Kasich — The Buffet Bar

People think it’s pretty OK in theory, but they just forget about it. The Buffet Bar will never be the president of Tucson bars, but it’s probably going to stay in business forever.

Bernie Sanders — Club Congress

Club Congress has been around since 1919, just like Bernie Sanders. If he came to Tucson, he’d be surrounded by the only people who vote for him: white young kids who might not actually turn out to the polls.

Hillary Clinton — Wilko

Since Hillary Clinton can’t pour her own beer, I suspect she’d prefer a nice glass of wine and some herb fries from Wilko. And, since Wilko closes earlier than most bars, she has the chance to get plenty of sleep, something she said she desperately needs.

Follow Christianna Silva on Twitter.