Papa’s got a brand new gun?
The Story: Last week a couple of friends in Atlanta got into a quarrel that eventually erupted into gunfire, leaving one in jail and the other in the hospital with an injured abdomen. What started the fight? An argument over how tall the late James Brown was.

The Response: I hate to say it, but this story doesn’t give me much hope for the human race. Remember that “”Simpsons”” episode where Homer buys a gun and starts using it to perform every single household task? We’re all like that now. The age of civil discourse is gone forever. (Incidentally, Brown was 5 feet 6 inches.)

– Justyn Dillingham is a junior majoring in political science and history.

Senator Superman
The Story: “”We at least owe [President Bush] the opportunity to see whether that strategy can work before immediately attacking it as a policy that is bound to fail.”” – Sen. Jon Kyl, R-Ariz., referring to the Iraq troop surge.

The Response: Kyl has been wrong about Iraq enough times to fill a book, but is he really this puerile? Here’s an alternative strategy: Kyl jumps off the top of the Capitol dome, flies to Iraq like Superman, and ends the war in victory. “”Bound to fail,”” you say? Let’s see if it works before attacking it! Worst case means just one more American killed in this filthy, futile war.

– Shane Ham is a first-year law student.

Hanging hecklers
The Story: The infamous video of Saddam Hussein’s hanging revealed several men in black masks chanting the name of insurgent leader Muqtada al-Sadr minutes before Hussein was executed.
The Response: The chanters at Hussein’s execution truly stole this dictator’s thunder. It’s common sense that tyrants want their own name chanted at their execution, even if the words “”death to”” are placed in front. But hearing another tyrant’s name yelled at the apex of your hanging is like hearing your partner scream his ex’s name as he climaxes. Show a little more respect next time, chanters!

– Jessica Wertz is a senior majoring in psychology and family studies and human development.

Bankin’ it like Beckham
The Story: Last week, David Beckham signed a 128 million pound contract with the American soccer team Los Angeles Galaxy.
The Response: It’s a shame to see David Beckham so entirely abandon the country that made him so incredibly rich and famous. Perhaps it wasn’t always entirely about the football for him, but his decisions to quit as England captain and then leave Europe entirely for L.A. show that he doesn’t feel that he owes anything to England. At a time when Britain is losing its identity and needs the glamour and glory of a national icon, Beckham could have shown some patriotism.

– Lillie Kilburn is a psychology sophomore.

Drunken Idol
The Story: Paula Abdul recently appeared on a Seattle news station – drunk. Her spokesperson denies the American Idol judge was not drunk, but rather “”
exhausted.””
The Response: Yeah, and in the same interview, Abdul claimed, “”Any publicity is good publicity.”” This after she insulted Seattle’s Idol contestants. What a joke: If Paula was merely “”exhausted,”” then William Hung should sing “”The Star-Spangled Banner”” at this year’s Super Bowl. Let’s see some real talent – inebriated – dishing out the hubristic insults: Can we please get an intoxicated Simon Cowell on-air?

– Matt Stone is a senior majoring in international studies and economics.