Future Wildcats, welcome to the University of Arizona. If you have already been admitted to this esteemed academic institution, I congratulate you on having either “”diversity”” or a pulse. Either one works. Also, as an extra reward, if you stay I’ll clap my hands and sing “”Bear Down Arizona,”” which is to college fight songs what Easy Mac is to Italian cuisine.
Right now you are seated in the bottom floor of the UofA Bookstore, which is actually self-financed via the overpriced course materials you will be required to purchase. The bookstore also buys back used books at the end of every semester; just not the textbooks that have new versions out due to seven unnecessarily changed words, which is to say the really expensive ones.
Some bookstore money goes to ASUA, which, in combination with other fees you’ll be paying, will coolly burn through a million greenbacks for extravagant concerts. The last stadium gig was Fleetwood Mac in 1977, but apparently kids nowadays like how spoiled “”gangstas”” like Jay-Z are more princess-like than Stevie Nicks. C’est le vie.
Moving on: This is our food court. Let me take the opportunity to tell you about our easy, flexible and universal meal plans. Our greatest deal just involves a commitment to spend at least $3,000 during the year, saving you 16.1 percent on overpriced sandwiches and the worst pizza around campus. But the weather is great here, so let’s head outside!
Right down the middle of campus is this massive strip of grass you see called the Mall, which goes all the way from the end of campus on
Campbell Avenue to the deformed cacti around Old Main, the oldest building on campus. The Mall is used for Frisbee, club tables and annual monolithic displays of dehydrated illegal aliens, crying Palestinians and aborted fetuses. But let’s look on the bright side. Just take in this fantastic view: grass, parallel rows of palm trees, and those gorgeous mountains!
Back to business. Over here is the
Administration building. They do administrative things in there, like convincing you that you’re paying a competitive tuition cost, when you’ll wind up paying much higher tuition over the next four or more years for decreasing quality of education. Oh, and that first tuition payment that you’ve been saving for is actually going to be $965 higher if you’re coming in from out of state. No, this is absolutely not extortion. Please take a step back, you’re not quite in the bike lane yet … ouch, that looks painful. I love our environmentally-friendly campus.
Let me also take this moment to emphasize how thrilling the UA community is. True, the city has draconian Red Tag policies and administration officials are doing their best to destroy any semblance of our famous pool parties and fraternity social events, but we do have Dance Dance Revolution in the basement of the Student Union. What’s that, sir? Yes, I have heard that UA is the fifth best party school according to Playboy rankings. Thank you. Do you tell your wife that you subscribe to such scholarly and peer-reviewed publications as Playboy for news about higher education? I’m sure you just read it for the articles.
On that subject, if you’re one of those few people who actually still read things, reach into that newsstand and grab a copy of the Daily Wildcat, our award-winning campus newspaper, and follow me down the stairs.
Before I take you to the Manuel T. Pacheco Integrated Learning Center over there, allow me to show you this Emergency Blue-Light Phone. You can use this to rapidly connect to campus police. These phones are all around campus, except if you’re in danger you probably will not be even remotely near one.
Oh, and chances are the nearest police officers will be busy citing freshmen for possession of drug paraphernalia on the eighth floor of Coronado Residence Hall. But your safety is our priority. That and education. They are both our No. 1 priorities. I swear.
– Daniel Greenberg is a political science junior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
