Shower sex sucks. Don’t let Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel trick you into thinking their “aw, shucks” shower sex scene in “500 Days of Summer” is really that fun in real life, because it’s not. Taking that special someone home, stripping them of their ZonaZoo gear and hopping under the shower head may seem like an awesome way to cool down and then steam things up. However, guys, it’s only when your calves are cramping, you’re trying to both please and not slip and break your ass, that you should have planned your approach a bit more. All that hot water is fun at first, but then it kinda becomes something like…

Pool sex. For those uninitiated into what’s arguably the grimiest of all rituals, pool sex is what happens when you take an urban myth (remember in high school when your friend banged a girl in a hot tub and said it was awesome?) and try to make it reality. When there’s a lot of water in a place that’s supposed to be wet for other reasons, all sensation is lost, and suddenly your little exploit turns into a submarine exploration for the g-spot. Also, pool water is disgusting, and nothing quite says “I love you” like a urinary tract infection — except when it doesn’t, which is always.

Now that we’ve covered the unpleasantness associated with Aquaman-style fornication, we can move on to a much drier, yet equally disappointing act. This is hard to put in reader-friendly way, so I’m going to refer to this as something a girl might do to enhance fellatio with the use of breast contact. For guys who enjoy boobs (a very high percentage, to be sure) it would seem as though this act would be fun and exciting. Even for girls, the idea at its best is at least something new and can add another dimension to a stale sexual relationship — or some eye-opening appeal to a brand new one. The reality is the act is not pleasurable for boys or girls — it can create an awkward moment, not to mention the friction and chafing involved. I can almost guarantee that if you try this once, you won’t want to try it again. The next time your drunk self feels like this is an awesome idea, you’re best advised to keep things simple. Save the unusual shit for those who get paid.

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