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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

Letters from Mallory Hawkins

Here we are, less than a week into the warmer weather, and I can already tell by your unique fashion statements that you have either completely given up mirrors for Lent or you have recently suffered severe head trauma that has caused you to neglect all fashion cues you once possessed.

This obviously means little coming from a girl who is obsessed with her harem pants that everyone else refers to as her “”Hammer pants,”” but even my colorblind grandfather would be offended by your wardrobe choices. Thus, I am qualified as any to critique your fashion.

So by the power vested in me (columnists have all the power, don’t you know?) I now pronounce myself deputy officer of UAFP, University of Arizona Fashion Police. For my first act as deputy, I would like to take the time to inform you as to why your outfit sucks.

First thing’s first, those horrid sweats you have been hiding behind this winter need to find their way back into your dresser drawers. I know it was nice to conceal your leg stubble, but the pajamas are no longer necessary. In case you have not realized, wearing sweats makes you look sloppy and ten pounds heavier. Don’t worry, you can keep the North Face, but the baggy pants are non-negotiable. Besides, if you wear sweats “”you can’t sit with us.””

Gentlemen, the professionalism you are trying to convey with that button down shirt goes unnoticed when armpit stains begin to emerge. Even though it is 50 degrees out when you leave the house, it is guaranteed to be 80 degrees by noon. Because of this, you will either need to dress in layers or put a considerable amount of deodorant on in order to prevent the horrendous sweaty pits that will ensue. Take the warmer weather into consideration when you get dressed in the morning.

I know I have mentioned this time and time again, but Uggs, or most of this winter’s stylish boots for that matter, and shorts or skirts are never a fashion do. Getting your money’s worth is one thing, but insisting on wearing your thigh-high boots with your jorts (those are jean shorts for those of you who were raised on Mars) is really crossing the line. Say goodbye to the boots until next winter and say hello to those sandals hidden in the back of your closet; just make sure that you’ve also said hello to a pedicure first.

Although this warmer weather is tempting, guys should avoid wearing swim trunks as legitimate bottoms. Are you about to hit those gnarly desert waves, dude? We are in Arizona, where board shorts do not equate to real life shorts you can wear to class.

Have you heard the saying, “”Where there is a will, there is a way?”” Well, I have a new take on it — “”Where there is a butt, there is a slut.”” Yes, I am talking to you, Ms. Booty Shorts. Even a pubescent boy would agree that there is a time and place for exposing your ass, and TRAD 104 is neither the time nor place. Playing peek-a-boo with your ass is not what I had in mind for my break between classes. Have you ever considered that you are not Kim Kardashian and, therefore, we could care less about seeing your butt?

I hate to do it, but the athletes need to be called out too. I get that you have enough university issued clothing to last you a lifetime, as you have made that very apparent in the past four years, but don’t you think it is time to show a different side of your personality now? Surely you own a pair of jeans or a shirt that isn’t made from Dri-FIT material.

I would think this last one would go without saying, but sometimes people live in their own little world where it is perfectly acceptable to wear flower patterned spandex as pants. Yep, people do that. The ‘80s called and want your pants back, girlfriend. Generally, you can use “”whether or not your pants look like something one of the Tanner girls would have worn on ‘Full House'”” as a rule of thumb when getting dressed in the morning.

Until I am replaced by someone more qualified for the job, such as Joan Rivers and her minions on “”Fashion Police,”” I will work tirelessly to ensure that our community is fashion-atrocity free.

 

— Mallory Hawkins is a communication senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.

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