Holy Crap: Folsom Street Fair

Last week on the Fox News Channel, Catholic League president Bill Donohue declared a national boycott on Miller Beer for its sponsorship of the Folsom Street Fair, the world’s largest leather event, which features public displays of sadomasochism. While it’s no surprise the Catholic League is up in arms about the event, the way it went about waging its boycott is kind of strange. In its official announcement, the League encourages readers to “”be sure to access our website (sic)”” to see pictures of the fair. Lots of pictures. Like three pages of pictures. In fact the League couldn’t support the bandwidth from the sudden influx of visitors, so it had to host the photos on the Catholic Online Web site, “”due to traffic volume.””

If that didn’t register the first time, the Catholic League is now hosting enough pictures of men in leather jockstraps getting whipped that it could technically be considered a BDSM porn site.

Weekly Apology: The Internet

This apology is for all future generations accessing the World Wide Web. If sites like MySpace and Fark weren’t example enough of the Internet’s depravity, one has to look no further than this week’s most popular web diversion: Anna Nicole Smith’s corpse. Yes, thanks to the Internet, hundreds of millions of people across the globe have access to the dead socialite’s post-mortem, puke-filled photos at the tips of their fingers. Look how far we’ve come! Coming in a distant second: Britney Spears super-fan Chris Crocker’s nude photos. If global warming doesn’t kill your grandchildren, the Internet will. Stay tuned next week for a Britney Spears sex tape and Clay Aiken tipping the scales at 200 pounds. God help us all.

Quote of the Week

“”I’ll never forget this as long as I live. He leaned back in his chair, in his white terry cloth robe and white underwear, and spread his legs, and then he said – and these were his exact words – ‘You’re a smart boy. Figure it out.’ “”

– Steve Mooney, aspiring singer, on what it would take to get into one of the boy bands managed by Lou Pearlman (left), former manager of ‘N Sync and the Backstreet Boys

Random Review: UAPD motorcycles

Seeking influence from Hollywood, the new University of Arizona Police Department motorcycles look more like rejected props from the movie “”Judge Dredd”” than anything a cop wanting to be taken seriously should be riding. The futuristic white bikes have almost prompted me on multiple occasions to flag down passing officers and ask them where the lasers are. If these guys cruised around on mopeds they’d be taken more seriously. When they’re not uselessly busting underage kids from drinking (and subsequently influencing them to drive off campus to drink), UAPD actually serves a valuable purpose. If officers wanted to get away from the “”campus cops”” tag, they should have opted for the classic Harley Davidson police bike. For inadvertently mocking the public servants riding on them, the new UAPD motorcycles get a thumbs down.

Getting a Lift: New York

Live in New York City? Have an extra $5 million lying around? Well, do we have the place for you! This month’s issue of Wired magazine featured a new condo in Chelsea with the En-Suite Sky Garage, an elevator that lifts your car into your condo. Apparently, the upper crust of New York has been clamoring to change their addresses, and all the units are already sold out.

It’s all about easy access. Benefits of having your car lifted into your condo include: not having to engage with the homeless people that your tax cuts have put on the street; avoiding those awkward moments dragging your next roofie-filled date rape victim from your car to your door; and less interruption when you decide to off yourself through asphyxiation after realizing your life is as meaningless as the rest of ours.

What the tech: Return of the Zune

This week Microsoft launched the second generation of its ill-fated mp3 player, the Zune (Native American for “”buffalo turd””). So far iPods have dominated the mp3 market, outselling Zunes nearly 100-to-1. Not really learning anything from the first time around, the new Zunes include two smaller versions with flash memory (a feature introduced on the iPod Nano two years ago), and available colors include pink, brown, white, red and black. Fear not, Zune users (all five of you), Zunes still feature “”squirting,”” a function by which users can touch Zunes and share songs for a measly three plays. How bad are the players? Well, when the new Zunes were announced Tuesday, Microsoft’s stock took a significant hit.