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The Daily Wildcat

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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat


    Apropos of Nothing: Nature calls — let’s hang up

    A couple of weeks ago I was working under a shady tree, struggling with writer’s block, when inspiration literally fell out of the sky, just like the apple that struck Isaac Newton in days of yore. Except in my case, it was bird poop falling on my laptop. I know the paper I was typing wasn’t very good, but I wish the bird had been more subtle in its criticism of my work. It was a small amount of turd that was pretty easy to clean up, but I still would have preferred an apple.

    I suddenly realized nature would be much improved if we could get all these animals potty-trained. I don’t want to personally volunteer for the job of litter-training various beasts, but someone ought to do it. Maybe the guy from the TV show “Dirty Jobs,” who seems to have a high tolerance for that sort of thing. This subject got me thinking about all sorts of other improvements that could be made to nature. Someone needs to get on this, and I guess that someone, as usual, will have to be me.

    First of all, there’s the ocean. The beach is great, but can’t the oceans be smaller? It would be a lot easier to do international travel if they were. And what’s with that funky ocean smell at the beach? The water already looks like mouthwash, so why can’t the ocean smell minty? Why can’t the water actually be mouthwash, for that matter? It might sting a little bit, but there would be a lot less bacteria in the water. This would be great for surfer dudes who can’t afford dental insurance.

    Another problem with nature is the inequitable distribution of water. Seattle gets too much rain, and Tucson gets too little. Nature, that just isn’t fair! Didn’t anyone tell Mother Nature that moms are supposed to at least try to treat their children equally?

    And what’s the point of wind? The wind generally blows. There are people who like cloudy days and rainy days and sunny days, but I’ve never met anyone who said, “I hope it’s a really windy day today!” It’s just all this air rushing around like a puppy hopped up on Red Bull for no reason, blowing dust into people’s eyes and causing mayhem. A slight cool breeze on a hot day is OK, and maybe wind on the ocean is good for sailing, but other than that, the wind should have to apply to either me or President Barack Obama on a day-by-day employment basis.

    Something that’s even more annoying than wind is earthquakes. I think anyone who argues that earthquakes are a good thing is on shaky ground. The only reason they even happen is because there are all these stupid faults and cracks under the Earth’s surface. The UA has one of the best geology departments in the world, and I see no reason why we couldn’t fix this. Just send a bunch of scientists around the world with billions of gallons of superglue. Using this method, we can fill in the cracks in the Earth’s surface and fuse together the tectonic plates. Boom, earthquake problem solved!

    I know this last proposal may be controversial and will get me in trouble with the powerful night watchman and gravedigger lobbies, but is nighttime really necessary? It’s dark, it’s cold and who needs to deal with that? Without night, there would be a huge drop in crime, because criminals would always have to risk acting in broad daylight. Even more importantly, vampires and werewolves would no longer be among our nation’s most vexing problems.

    I know some science nerds out there are going to bring up that whole “rotation of the Earth” argument, but that’s just a sorry excuse. The Earth is busy revolving around the sun already. Simultaneously rotating 360 degrees every 24 hours is so over the top. It’s like doing jumping jacks on your morning jog; it’s just too much. Listen Earth, you’re trying too hard to impress us. Stop spinning, relax and just be yourself.

    Please write your member of Congress so our government can start taking care of these issues. I’m sure animal poop, stinky oceans, water scarcity, earthquakes and nighttime are problems we can easily fix with absolutely no downsides. Then nature will be even more awesome then ever, because it will be designed based on what’s obviously most important — our own convenience.

    Disclaimer: As a general rule, nothing in Logan Rogers’ columns should be taken seriously.

    Logan Rogers is a second-year law student. Follow him @AproOfNo.

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