I am on to you, dear sir. I cannot put my finger on it, but there’s something a little off about you. You are not creepy, per se, but you are pretty shady. Being mysterious may get a girl’s attention but when mysteriousness turns into illusiveness, we have a problem. It is about time someone calls you out.

Let’s start with your two cell phones — who needs two? You are a college student, not a freaking CEO. Having a second cell phone so you can create a second Words with Friends account (i.e. double the games) is admirable. Having a second cell phone with no reason other than “”I know a lot of people”” is questionable at best.

Last I checked, the iPhone is like 32GB. Is that not a shit ton of memory for a cell phone? There’s no way that you receive enough traffic on your phone to justify having a second line. You’re not the Queen of England. Even if you were, you’d still probably only need one cell phone. So what gives?

Continuing on with your social life, let’s discuss the giant red flag that is your Facebook page. How many of the 2000 friends you have accumulated do you really know? It is one thing to be Derrick Williams with that many friends but it is another to be a regular Joe just trying to collect FB friends like they’re Pokemon cards or something.

What’s the point of even having a Facebook if your wall and photos are private? I can understand the need to block your photos from the public or maybe even a few people, but blocking your wall? How am I supposed to share obnoxious YouTube videos of kids who like to do hoodrat things with their friends? The fact that you openly admit to deleting your wall because you prefer messaging screams, “”I have something to hide.”” I know you might be okay with that but it really limits my stalking possibilities.

Don’t think your inability to refer to women by their real names has gone under the radar. “”Hey you”” and “”What’s up, girl”” can only get you so far, and pet names are only cute when they are genuine, not when they operate as a balancing act. Do you have so many shorties that you can’t keep them straight? Take Destiny’s Child’s advice and “”say my name”” every once in a while.  

Saying my name, however, would imply that you acknowledge me when you see me on campus. The thing about sketchy people is, in addition to having two cell phones, you also have two personalities. Online/texting you is very friendly and flirty. You cannot give enough compliments nor could you sound any more desperate to hang out. All of that goes out the window, though, when we actually see each other in person. Based on your desire to spend some quality time together, I would assume you would be happy when we show up to the same party. However, the exact opposite is true. Your quiet hello suggests that we are complete strangers. Super Sketch.

I do realize that I just described half of our athletic department, but I don’t think they are the only shady people at the university — T-Locs tend to be borderline suspicious as well.  

Sketchy people are not all bad though. I have not met one sketchy person that did not have a connection for something. I guess having more contacts than Lady Gaga has followers on Twitter can really pay off. Although I would not count on you to pull through, I admire your ability to (potentially) hook a sister up.

— Mallory Hawkins is a communication senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.