Young people aren’t using condoms because of an implied lack of trust and notion of sexual experience that comes with actually carrying a condom, not just unavailability and ignorance, according to researchers at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine. The studies, carried out between 1994 and 2004, also disclose that young individuals assess a person’s disease risk by how well they know them and general appearance. I always felt that wearing a condom was like taking a shower in a raincoat. Then again, you can’t get herpes from a shower (unless you’re in Miami!).

Rumors have finally been put to rest. Britney Spears and “”rapper”” Kevin Federline are filing for a divorce due to “”irreconcilable differences,”” shocking tabloids and gossip-mongers worldwide. According to the divorce papers, Spears is seeking custody of their two children, Sean Preston and Jayden James, and asking that each party cover its own legal fees. In other news, scientists discovered that there actually is a God and that he, too, hates K-Fed.

Want to know how to get a Big Mac for a buck? Two gentleman in New York City from the Web site DallasPenn.com show you how to get the most for your dollar at McDonald’s with a simple recipe. The procedure is as follows: 1. Order a double cheeseburger. 2. Ask for a quarter bun (the one with sesame seeds). 3. Instead of the small sprinkle of onions that you typically get, ask for the large diced onions. 4. Offer to trade your ketchup for the Big Mac special sauce. 5. Make an Internet video showing everyone how fat and desperate for cheap food you really are. The video explains that a few additional French fries may add to the flavor, or your chances of eventual heart-attack, whichever way you look at it.

Search for it on YouTube: Ghetto Big Mac

“”I’m dating myself and I’m learning to like me.”” -Kirsten Dunst, who is now single after her recent breakup with Jake Gyllenhaal. No word yet on whether or not she’s reached third base with her newly found union, but with the recent outbreak of celebrity sex tapes, I’m hopeful the video will turn up soon.

AdultStarDiary.com is stalker-breeding material that mixes adult entertainment with LiveJournal, minus the spellchecker and random posts about hating your parents because they took away your cell phone for racking up a bill the size of a small country’s economy. The Web site is host to both amateur and professional talent, and it’s mostly just used to promote a star’s latest camera trick. But it does have an occasional narrative to add depth to the otherwise misunderstood porn star. Like this gripping story by Taylor Rain:

“”SO ALURA EDEN SHOWS UP AT 9:30 AND I TOLD HER ‘SORRY DAWG I TOOK A STACKER BEFORE YOU CAME OVER AND I CAN’T SIT STILL!!!!’

‘IT’S OK DAWG! WE WILL GET YOU READY!!!’

LONG STORY SHORT! IT TOOK 2 HRS TO DO MY MAKE UP CUZ I WAS SO PINNED ON THE STACKER!!!!””

Powerful.

Thank you, overbearing citizens of Arizona, for passing Proposition 201. In less than a year from now I will no longer be smoking in bars, parks or essentially any place where I’m not encased in a giant plastic bubble. The great sympathizers of Prohibition have finally wrought their revenge one state at a time on the likes of the innocent and free-spirited smoker. I make a motion to change our state name to “”New California”” and while we’re at it, hopefully we’ll break off into the sea and drown.

This just in: “”Arizonians for Healthy Giant Plastic Bubbles”” are already gathering signatures as I write this to ban smoking in bubbles for the next election.