Four-letter friendship

The story: Professor Yehuda Baruch, a researcher at England’s East Anglia University, recently released a study concluding that swearing at work builds camaraderie, relieves employee stress, and solidifies business relationships.

The response: It’s about f—ing time this study came out – I’ve been telling my fellow employees for months that my mouth is as dirty as a sailor’s for a reason. It’s all about team morale, goddammit! Everyone knows that a barrage of f-bombs at the office is better than a cup of good coffee at eight in the morning, and a rant that would be censored on HBO is the best way to kick those mid-afternoon doldrums.

If you find your job dull, perhaps this is the answer you’ve been looking for. Work in the service industry? Try using a few choice words when greeting your customers. Business may go down, but what a kickass work environment! I’ve also heard that this type of change has done wonders for call receptionists and church employees.

In fact, why stop at the office? After all, that’s not the only place where low morale strikes. We’ve all had tough times coming home to the family – maybe a rap session a la Tupac or Eminem is in order. Besides, it’ll serve as a good English lesson for the kids. Or what about writing papers? After all, a university professor is behind this study. I’m sure Professor Baruch would appreciate a few four-letter words sprinkled freely throughout a term paper – at least, hopefully more than my last professor did. Clearly, what this world needs is a little more profanity.

-Evan Lisull is a sophomore majoring in economics and political science.

It’s a conspiracy!

The story: In a TV interview last week, Lynne Cheney, wife of Vice President Dick Cheney, announced an amusing discovery made while she was researching the Cheney ancestry for a recent book: Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama is Dick Cheney’s eighth cousin.

The response: Of course Barack Obama and Dick Cheney are distantly related! There are two reasons why this comes as no shock: For one, most of our presidents share common ancestry, given that American elites tend to marry other elites. The Bushes, for instance, can count former presidents George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Calvin Coolidge, William Howard Taft and Ulysses S. Grant among their relatives. What we should really be concerned about is the mounting evidence that Barack Obama and Dick Cheney have been genetically engineered by Russian scientists to distract the American electorate as Vladimir Putin prepares to invade the United States and convert the Grand Canyon into a vodka distillery after leaving office.

After all, given Putin’s clear, naked desire to kick-start World War III, and Russian super-spy mythology perpetuated by James Bond movies and “”Rocky and Bullwinkle”” cartoons, it’s only a matter of time until our children are all speaking Russian. On the bright or dark side, depending on one’s partisan allegiance, Hillary Clinton is looking mighty good in comparison.

-Sarah Devlin is a English and political science major, with a minor in Cold War-era paranoia.