Puppy Love

The whole country seems to be up in arms defending “”man’s best friend”” after the uncovering of Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring. Between the Vick scandal and Mitt Romney’s 1,000-mile road trip to Canada with his dog caged to the roof of his car, it seems like the country has never been so united behind one cause.

Rational people may whimper about the fact that media coverage of more important events (like that pesky little war in Iraq) has gone to the dogs, but humanity’s love for canines wasn’t always so sweet. Don’t believe it? Let me introduce you to a little thing called the Russian anti-tank dog.

During World War II the Soviet Union trained dogs to find food under army tanks, starved them for a few days and then sent them toward advancing German lines strapped with explosives. These dog bombs were responsible for taking down more than 300 enemy tanks and were so successful, training continued all the way through 1996.

So next time the media blows up some animal mistreatment story in lieu of something more important, remember that it could be worse. Worse like a hungry little unassuming Scottish terrier mounted with explosives racing toward his impending doom.

Animal of the Month: Yeti Crab

The kiwa hirsuta, nicknamed the “”Yeti crab,”” is a white, furry crustacean discovered in 2005. The 6-inch-long sea creature was found 1,000 miles south of Easter Island living in hydrothermal vents. It feeds on algae and small shrimp and is thought to be blind. The kiwa is a new genus and family of crab and is officially in the running for coolest animal ever along with the likes of the Hungarian Komondor (“”mop dog””) and the bathing Japanese “”snow monkey.””

As exciting as it is finding a new creature of the deep, the real question on everybody’s mind is, “”How does it taste?””

Hollywouldn’t: Spears Pregnant?

Reports from the tabloids have been speculating that not Britney Spears, but her 16-year-old sister Jamie-Lynn, might be pregnant. To fuel the fire even more, the star of Nickleodeon’s “”Zoey 101″” has been out of the public spotlight for the past month – that is, until she was recently caught checking in at the airport wearing two sweatshirts while strategically holding her dog to block any view of a possible baby bump. I guess after Nicole Richie’s popularity boost following her pregnancy, Jamie-Lynn’s manager/mom must have thought it was a good career move.

This really shouldn’t be a surprise to anybody when they realize she’s from Louisiana. The state boasts the nation’s highest rate for pregnancy among teens ages 15 to 17 and allows parents to marry off their daughters when they are as young as 15.

eight-to-one the father is Criss Angel.

Holy Crap

Last week, media personality Ben Stein joined the blogosphere promoting his new documentary, “”Expelled.”” The former Nixon speech writer, who’s famous for his short-lived Comedy Central game show and Clear Eyes commercials, decided to attack evolution, that silly theory claiming man and ape descended from a common ancestor.

In support of intelligent design, Stein bashed “”big science,”” claiming that because of a new anti-religious dogmatism the next Einstein, Newton or Galileo wouldn’t be able to publish his research.

Bravo. It’s about time someone out there began supporting speaking out against evolution. Darwin isn’t fooling anyone. We all know the earth is only 6,000 years old and Jesus used to ride dinosaurs.

Besides, if evolution is real, then why don’t we act more like our supposed monkey-like ancestor? Answer that, Richard Dawkins and your silly Oxford degree. How are we able to suppress our animal urges and maintain structured governments without breaking into monkey-like sex in public restrooms?

Quote of the Week

“”He hasn’t done anything wrong, and they’re ganging up on him. This is some way to treat the people who have been loyal members of your party for many years. What did he do wrong? Just tell me what he did wrong? And even suppose he was soliciting for gay sex?””

– Ben Stein supporting Sen. Larry Craig after the senator admitted to soliciting sex in a public bathroom

Random Review: Harvill Building

A beast of a different nature, the Harvill building is a monster of modern architecture. If you’ve ever had the bad luck of landing a class in this structure, you’ve probably come to know it better by its nickname: “”death trap.””

Getting from class to class in Harvill is riskier than a level of “”Super Mario Bros.”” The red brick behemoth features a gapping chasm in the middle of the building, and a shaky walk down the exterior staircase could turn any misstep into a four-story fall over the low railings. If you had a class in Harvill over the summer you may have caught UA Facilities Management workers – I shit you not – doing donuts with a full-size tractor in the lower courtyard. Have a class there? You may want to look into taking out a life-insurance policy.

Looking for a place to study? Well, check out the building’s study nooks, where you have the choice of standing or having a seat on the cold, hard floor. It has about as much charm as Abu Ghraib.

The place even looks ugly. If Godzilla ate a brick warehouse and crapped it out, it would probably look something like Harvill.

For being the worst (and possibly most dangerous) building on campus, Harvill gets two thumbs down.