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The Daily Wildcat

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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    On the Spot

    Doug Bean
    Doug Bean

    We saw a giant green blob walking around the UA Mall yesterday, and decided to give him a chance to tell his story. He told us his name was Doug Bean.

    Wildcat: Hi, I’m from the Wildcat.

    Bean: What’s the Wildcat?

    W: The Wildcat is the student paper at the U of A. I do a thing every day. I say “”You’re on the spot”” and then I interview you.

    B: Really? So I’m on the spot now? Oh man, this is cool.

    W: What are you?

    B: I’m large vegetation.

    W: Like the Jolly Green Giant?

    B: I’m like the Jolly Green Giant. I’m not a giant. I am green, and I’m large. Yeah, I’m like the little Jolly Green Giant, I’m a mascot for Lymabean.com. We’re promoting a new site.

    W: Oh, I thought it was a peacock or something.

    B: A peacock? A peacock?

    W: Well, it kind of looked like it. With a happy face and a beard.

    B: That’s a good call. I’ve been called a jelly bean, a tomato, a lot of things that were squashed. I’ve been called a booger. Like a little booger, like the hard crusty kind or the runny kind.

    W: It doesn’t look very runny because it’s upright right here.

    B: I would think that’d be called a hard booger.

    W: Is this padding inside here?

    B: That’s foam. It’s foam.

    W: Is that a cell phone handle there?

    B: I’m usually miked up. I got a microphone.

    W: Oh, I thought if it was like, Pinto Bean calls you or something…

    B: No, I actually look for the sign in the sky. When I see this…

    W: What?

    B: …Batman sign that goes up. That’s what it is. So we don’t use cell phones, we use a sign in the sky like Batman. And then I know I’m needed. Bam! Lima beans shine up in the sky, and then quick-o-change-o and I’m on the spot.

    W: (Pauses.)

    B: Yeah. Jonny On the Spot, that’s me.

    W: Damn. Wait, why does it cover your chin?

    B: Because they were sold out of the one that covered my whole face.

    W: Can you see?

    B: Yeah, I would think so.

    W: You kinda look like a medieval knight.

    B: What would be my name if I were a medieval knight? Sir what?

    W: (Pauses.) Lima Bean.

    B: No, you’ve gotta give me something better than that.

    W: Sir Lima Bean. Uh, Sir … Sir Lance-a-bean?

    B: See, now we’re thinking. I like that.

    – interview by Andi Berlin

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