We saw a giant green blob walking around the UA Mall yesterday, and decided to give him a chance to tell his story. He told us his name was Doug Bean.

Wildcat: Hi, I’m from the Wildcat.

Bean: What’s the Wildcat?

W: The Wildcat is the student paper at the U of A. I do a thing every day. I say “”You’re on the spot”” and then I interview you.

B: Really? So I’m on the spot now? Oh man, this is cool.

W: What are you?

B: I’m large vegetation.

W: Like the Jolly Green Giant?

B: I’m like the Jolly Green Giant. I’m not a giant. I am green, and I’m large. Yeah, I’m like the little Jolly Green Giant, I’m a mascot for Lymabean.com. We’re promoting a new site.

W: Oh, I thought it was a peacock or something.

B: A peacock? A peacock?

W: Well, it kind of looked like it. With a happy face and a beard.

B: That’s a good call. I’ve been called a jelly bean, a tomato, a lot of things that were squashed. I’ve been called a booger. Like a little booger, like the hard crusty kind or the runny kind.

W: It doesn’t look very runny because it’s upright right here.

B: I would think that’d be called a hard booger.

W: Is this padding inside here?

B: That’s foam. It’s foam.

W: Is that a cell phone handle there?

B: I’m usually miked up. I got a microphone.

W: Oh, I thought if it was like, Pinto Bean calls you or something…

B: No, I actually look for the sign in the sky. When I see this…

W: What?

B: …Batman sign that goes up. That’s what it is. So we don’t use cell phones, we use a sign in the sky like Batman. And then I know I’m needed. Bam! Lima beans shine up in the sky, and then quick-o-change-o and I’m on the spot.

W: (Pauses.)

B: Yeah. Jonny On the Spot, that’s me.

W: Damn. Wait, why does it cover your chin?

B: Because they were sold out of the one that covered my whole face.

W: Can you see?

B: Yeah, I would think so.

W: You kinda look like a medieval knight.

B: What would be my name if I were a medieval knight? Sir what?

W: (Pauses.) Lima Bean.

B: No, you’ve gotta give me something better than that.

W: Sir Lima Bean. Uh, Sir … Sir Lance-a-bean?

B: See, now we’re thinking. I like that.

– interview by Andi Berlin