The opening scene of “”The Twilight Saga: Eclipse”” shows an unnamed man running from an unidentified entity in an unknown location. Eventually, the man is knocked to the ground and screams as he is assailed off-screen. After sitting through the entirety of this film, I can safely say that I identify closely with this man. Above all else I wished I could run away, though like him, it was far too late for me to escape.
Let me put it another way. Let’s say I picked up a chair and set it down in front of a blank white wall, pulled a $10 bill out of my wallet and ate it. I could then spend the next two hours slowly digesting my monetary meal and it would be both more enjoyable and a better use of money than going to see “”Eclipse.””
This latest installment of the popular-for-whatever-reason book-turned-film series sees the protagonist, Bella Swan (aptly portrayed by a cardboard cutout of Kristen Stewart), walk around aimlessly doing her best Debbie Downer impersonation. Her centenarian carnivore crush Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson, in the role that will sadly earn him future film roles) joins her. Not coincidentally, he’s every bit as unlikeable as Bella and Jacob (Taylor Lautner), a man whose defining characteristic is his constant state of shirtlessness. Oh, he’s also a werewolf.
The overarching story is that Bella is attractive and Jacob and Edward both very much wish to revel in her general attractiveness, thus we get the major conflict of the film which comes by virtue of a never-ending pissing match as the two attempt to out-strut one another.
The biggest issue, however, is that the plot relies not on special effects or dramatic music but instead the characters themselves to make it compelling. Unfortunately, I could reach into my silverware drawer, pull out a fork, a knife and a spoon, lay them on the counter in close proximity to each other and experience more interesting relational theater. Better dialogue too.
Stewart, Pattinson and Lautner appear to have a bet going for who can craft the most thoroughly unlikeable character on the screen at any given time, a competition which Stewart wins wholeheartedly. Halfway through the movie I fantasized wrapping her in a garbage bag, just so I could amuse myself watching her try to act her way out of it.
Another thing I didn’t get about this movie: the whole Edward-Jacob debate. Literally, the entire movie is various people testifying that Bella shouldn’t be a vampire because of how much it sucks (pun intended) and yet she refuses to listen to reason because Edward is “”all that matters.””
Yeah, her boyfriend is all that matters. Not her parents or her friends, not her future collegiate career, but some guy she met a few years ago. That’s a swell message to send to little girls. I haven’t seen a more backwards moral since “”The Little Mermaid”” told women they should be willing to give up their entire lives for the first tall drink of water that happens to saunter by.
While “”Eclipse”” is undoubtedly a touch better than its predecessors in the series, that’s like saying being shot in the arm is better than being shot in the stomach. It’s true, but that doesn’t mean you want to experience either. If you value your time or your money to any degree, you will treat “”The Twilight Saga: Eclipse”” as you would a natural eclipse: go about your business and let it pass.
Final Grade: F-
