I care about Harry Potter about as much as anyone cares about when the new Justin Guarini album is coming out.

However, with the pending release of the film version of “”Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows,”” even my impressive intellect has dedicated some significant grey matter toward cracking one of the most important mysteries of 2011:

What will Harry Potter fans do once they have nothing to look forward to anymore?

No more books. No more movies. No more “”Grand Theft Auto””-inspired Xbox 360 games where the tutorial for your levitation spell is worked into helping Ron fold his laundry. I’m Sirius. This happened.

To date, the Harry Potter books have sold more than 400 million copies since the release of “”Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.”” Based on a huge assumption and some simple division, that puts us at about 57 million people all over the world who have spent the last 13 years of their lives obsessing equally over both the angst-driven drama and intense minutia of life at the magical high school.

Two words, Gryffindors: What next? I’ve got some theories.

Suicidal depression:

I’m not telling people who like Harry Potter to kill themselves. I’m just saying, there’s a good chance some of them probably will next year.

Tons of people almost killed themselves after watching Avatar, according to an online CNN article from last January:

“”A user named Mike wrote on the fan Web site ‘Naviblue’ that he contemplated suicide after seeing the movie.

“”Ever since I went to see ‘Avatar’ I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na’vi made me want to be one of them. I can’t stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it,”” Mike posted. “”I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in ‘Avatar.'””

And people love Harry Potter way more than they liked “”Avatar.””

How do we know that the release of “”Harry Potter and the Deadly Hollowness in your Soul that Can’t Be Filled with New Harry Potter Movies”” isn’t the only thing stemming the tide of an intense, suicidal depression that will sweep the world in 2012?

I hear Avada Kedavra is a painless way to go. Just throwing that out there.

Keep feeding Rowling’s pop-culture juggernaut in exchange for fake books set in the Harry Potter world:

“”Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,”” ””Quidditch Through the Ages”” and ””The Tales of Beedle the Bard”” pose a triple threat for Pot(ter) Heads. Not only do the books sort of blow and add nothing to the Harry Potter narrative-proper, but they are the prototypes of what I assume will be a long train of Harry Potter spin-off literature.

Regardless of quality, they will set book sale records with every subsequent release. J.K. Rowling’s causes of choice (all proceeds from the spin-off literature are donated to charity) know better than anyone that Potter fans pleasure themselves to the thought of throwing money at anything remotely resembling a lightning bolt scar.

But this seems like a meth addict scraping the good stuff from a broken chillum they find in a dumpster behind a Borders; it’s a bad high, and it just leaves you clawing for more.

These kids are going to be fiending hard for a hit of the Hogwart after 2011, so keep an eye out for strung out 20-somethings wandering up and down Fourth Avenue in a meaningless existential daze. Well, OK. Look for even more people like that.

Go to the library:

Have you checked out “”The Iliad””? No? What about “”Crime and Punishment””? Could I interest you in some Hume, Austen or Keats? Not even some Twain?

Oh, well, I guess you have only read the fourth book 13 times. Yeah, it was really sad when Cedric Diggory died.

You know what, it’s cool, Harry Potter fans. I’ll just talk to you later.

— Remy Albillar is a senior majoring in English and creative writing. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.