Do you follow celebrity news?

Yeah, I watch “”E! News”” sometimes.

Do you think Ryan Seacrest is gay?

He’s hot. He could be, but I think he tries to cover it up. Maybe he’s bi?

Do you watch “”The Hills””?

I used to watch it, but it got bad.

I agree. I stopped watching it after LC left. She was the only one who looked clean. Do you think Kristin Cavalleri does coke?

Maybe, she is pretty skinny.

Fill in the blank: Heidi Montag got huge balloon-sized carnival-freak show fake boobs because _____

She wanted to look good … for Spencer I guess? She wants to get them bigger too, I heard she thinks they aren’t big enough.

Yeah, I heard she wants to get size H for Heidi. OK, if you were trapped in a room and you had to listen to either Heidi’s music or Paris Hilton’s CD on repeat for 24 hours, which would you pick?

Probably Paris Hilton.

Me too. It had better production value. Speaking of gutter troll music, choose from the following: Ke$ha has the following number of STDs: a) 1-3 b) 4-6 c) 7+?

Probably A.

Well that’s very generous of you.

I’m sure she always uses protection.

I doubt it. She always looks drunk. Do you like Justin Bieber?

Yeah.

Would you say you’ve caught Bieber Fever?

Maybe. (Laughs.)

He has a bowl cut. Anyways, Kate Gosselin just got kicked off of “”Dancing with the Stars.””

I heard she wasn’t that good though.

Total train wreck. Like her weave. If you were Kate Gosselin’s hair stylist would you: a) apologize b) retire c) kill yourself or d) all of the above?

All of the above.

Right answer. Do you think Lindsay Lohan will die before or after Amy Winehouse?

Probably before.

Correct.

—Claire Engelken