Could someone please tone down the color of this page? Its way too bright — Oh, hi there! I didn’t see you. Today we are going to talk about hangovers. I am currently doing extensive and meticulous research on the subject, and as such should be regarded as a brilliant expert for the duration of this article. My remaining brain cells and I will answer many of your potential hangover questions, such as: “”What is a hangover?””, “”How do I get one?””, “”How do I get rid of one?””, “”Did I really text my ex again last night?””, “”And Facebooked her too?!”” and “”Oh no.””

Let us begin at the conception of this horrible morning-after beast. Since way back in time, at the very least before the Pilgrims, people have been drinking alcohol. They consume this technical poison for its beneficial side effects: enhanced social skills, a feeling of euphoria and the subjective ability to sing “”Don’t Stop Believin'”” better than Steve Perry.

However, these awesome mental boons come with a horrible price — that of a hangover. You see, alcohol is a diuretic, and in the process of partying super hard, one usually becomes dehydrated. The effects of this are felt the next morning, or if you’ve been drinking like an Irishman, as soon as the intoxication wears off. Hopefully this happens before next-next morning. Either way, all your fun has been replaced by an intense feeling of anti-euphoria, nausea and a headache, as you have one again succumbed to the chicanery (Dictionary.com’s word of the day — your lexicon thanks me) of alcohol. Class is a nightmare, work is worse, and having to make an article deadline would be, I’m sure, just awful (meta!).

So the obvious query is, how does one prevent or cure this unwanted accomplice of Jell-O shots, beer and Jaeger bombs? There are many proposed schools of thought on the matter, almost none of them scientifically proven or substantiated.

First, there are the over-the-counter “”hangover cures.”” These are silly. If you think they are magical medicines that can zap hangovers, you are too. Examining the label, one finds that they suggest you take 1-2 glasses of water with each pill while drinking. As such, they are simply placebos designed to trick you into consuming water and not beer. They are not worth the trouble and price, and could simply be replaced by you and your drinking partner wearing shirts that read “”Drink water, stupid”” when you go out. Make sure the font is big; it gets harder to read after a few. Besides that, the only other real prevention method is to not drink. As a method, this is just as annoyingly unhelpful as the suggestion of abstinence to prevent STDs.

Now that you’re resigned to your hangover fate and have decided to do Mai Tai body shots anyway, the step becomes curing it, not preventing it.

Everyone has their own “”cures”” for a hangover. They range from the simple, like working out, to the absurd, like drinking “”rabbit-dropping tea”” (found online). I personally have found two methods that have worked, one grounded in science, and the other just as un-informed as everyone else’s. First, the latter. As you may be aware, a wondrous and awe-inspiring food location has sprung up on Campbell Avenue. Yes, I am referring to Five Guys, the burger chain that makes In-N-Out look like a Wendy’s reject menu. Order a hamburger, get all the toppings, and the towering behemoth that is served to you will solve everything (more than just hangovers; it’s Adderall for the soul).

The other way is to receive an IV of Lactated Ringer’s, which is what we used to do after partying when I worked as an EMT. Instant hydration, instant solution. However, it is decidedly less delicious and involves a slight bit of bodily penetration by needles, so I would stick to the hamburger for the most part.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I was extremely close to completing my college goal of vomiting in front of an incoming student tour group at nine in the morning today (I would anticipate a 20 percent increase in applications), so I’m going to down some Five Guys and then lie down. If everyone on campus could start whispering, that would be great. My head hurts.

— Johnny McKay is a media arts senior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.