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The Daily Wildcat

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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    Being a hooligan at Lindy’s

    Amongst the hummus plates, vegan fruit bars and organic bean burritos of 4th Avenue lies a burger so monstrous, so fattening and so desirable that it deserves a graphic novel adaptation made in honor of it. A pound and a half of pure meat -six burger patties to be exact – the Hooligan burger at Lindy’s Diner is no ordinary Big Mac. In fact, it gives you just one more reason (besides “”Super Size Me””) to never eat at McDonald’s again.

    To commemorate its excellence, the diner has actually started a contest encouraging hungry and slightly cocky members of the community to take the burger on. If you eat an entire Hooligan plus tater tots in one sitting, you will be immortalized on the bulletin board of infamy, with a Polaroid picture. This is if you don’t die of heart failure or a Monty Python stomach explosion first.

    I had eaten nothing but arugula and baby corn for a week and a half when my buffet buddy Greg asked me if I was up for the challenge. Although I was on a diet, I had been at The District Tavern for a couple hours now, so just about anything seemed like a good idea.

    “”You know it’s almost a foot tall, right? I heard the last guy who ate it had to have his stomach pumped,”” Greg warned me. Threatening shadows formed underneath the crevices of his round face and his eyes seemed to glow crimson red.

    “”Will you pay for it?”” was all I had to say.

    “”Yeah, if you insist.””

    “”Okay, let’s do it.””

    Although Lindy’s Diner may not stick out from the street, it’s actually an anomaly on the hippy infested, counter-culture of 4th Avenue. Despite its colorful and cartoony local art decorating the walls, Lindy’s maintains a down-home feeling, where everyone is welcome.

    The bulletin board gives you a clue of its major fans though, since almost every single Polaroid on there is a 20-something male with a full belly and a slightly cocky smirk. Apparently from what it said underneath his picture, one guy ate the entire burger in three and a half minutes. Another, a skinny guy, ate almost two burgers in a row.

    When they brought the monstrosity out, everyone in the restaurant let out a gasp and stared silently at the table. The burger was towering, with grease dripping off the sides like volcano lava, the whole thing bigger than a toddler’s head.

    I knew I had to take it slow, so I picked the whole thing up and started nibbling at it from the bottom. My hands were drenched and I soon realized it was almost too heavy to hold up. So, I set it down and began to eat the patties individually.

    This is when I realized my blunder. I wasn’t eating any of the tots. I got up, grabbed some ketchup, and slapped them into my mouth between bites.

    After eating a couple of the patties, I turned the burger upside down because the top bun was stronger than the now-soggy bottom. Then, I ate from the top down.

    It was about fifteen minutes into it that I noticed Greg was a lot farther in than I was. With decades of eating experience under his belt (and sagging over his belt after a big meal) he knows how to down a burger.

    “”Some people say willpower is the ability to refuse themselves food, but I say it’s the ability to keep eating when you’re fucking stuffed,”” he declared.

    “”Amen to that,”” I replied, and then took another bite.

    After about five more minutes, I was almost done, but so was my stomach. I felt like someone had stuck a hose into my abdomen and filled my belly with meaty Jell-O. It didn’t even taste good anymore, but then I noticed something I hadn’t before in my drunken stupor.

    Besides Lindy’s mom, who had an honorary place on the wall, there were absolutely no girls. No female in the history of Lindy’s Diner had successfully attempted to eat the monstrosity. If I didn’t do it for myself, I would do it for womanhood.

    By the time I finished the last bite, I was no longer thinking of myself, but of Amelia Earhart, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Joan of Arc, Mulan. That was until they took my picture; then I just cared about the best way to hide the fact that my stomach had grown twice its size.

    The ecstatic feeling of accomplishment lasted until the next day though, when I looked in the mirror. Even though I had been dieting for the last week and a half, there were red stretch marks forming all over my belly. I stepped on the scale, and behold, I had gained three pounds in one night. Now that’s an accomplishment.

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