In a mere six weeks, you and I are headed to a bad, bad place — the real world. We have “”allegedly”” spent the past four years preparing for this moment, but I am just as skeptical as you. The UA has allowed us to join organizations centered around partying and made it possible to go through an entire college career without seeing the inside of a classroom more than two days a week. How has this prepared me for anything but vacation?

I am beginning to realize reality is much more different from college than I had anticipated.  

Now: Sleep in or miss class? Obviously, it isn’t a big deal. You finally have an excuse to text that cutie that sits a few rows in front of you or consult your chapter’s test files in hopes of finding notes.

Real world: Sleep in or miss a day of work? You better come up with a way better excuse than “”I had a bad reaction to the Adderall I took last night”” or be willing to sleep with the boss because you’re looking at getting fired. Just like that, “”one and done”” no longer refers to your flip cup skillz but rather to the amount of time you held down your first job.  

Now: Spending more time naming your Facebook album by researching lyrics that most accurately convey the shit show that was your weekend than creating a title for your term paper is not only acceptable but expected. Way more people are going to see the album title than the term paper. Am I right?

Real world: You are high if you think you can even post half of the pictures you took last night. Even with a private album, you risk the chance of someone (your boss or work archenemy) taking offense to that picture. You know which picture I am talking about; the one of a highly intoxicated you holding up a cup with your company’s name in one hand and flipping the bird with your other. You might as well start naming your albums things like “”2011″” or “”photos.””

Now: Everybody knows that you keep up with the Kardashians like it is your job. There isn’t a single episode that you could not explain in great detail nor is there a single outfit worn by one of the K’s that you would not be able to describe. What better use could you get out of your time? Actually read those books you paid hundreds of dollars for at the beginning of the semester? As if. Those aren’t relevant. You prefer current events, and currently Kourtney is making her soap opera debut.

Real world: Keeping up with whom? Knowing the ins and outs of the Kardashians’ lives is not considered keeping up with current events in the workforce. Bring up Kim or Khloe in the lunchroom and someone may think you’re talking about a pet or your children. You’re going to have to start putting as much effort into watching the actual news as you would usually put into stalking perezhilton.com.

Now: You would be hard pressed to find a college student that didn’t rely on his parents for some financial aid. Why save your extra cash when you have Bank of Mom readily available? BofM is just so much more understanding and personable than other banks that it would be mistake to trust your money (or lack there of) elsewhere.

Real world: Now that you’ve got a degree hanging on the wall with your name on it, Mom is going to want her investment (you) to start paying her back. Say goodbye to your carefree lifestyle, because in the real world there are hella bills to be paid.

As you can see, the 9 to 5 we know — the night starts at 9 and ends when you stumble in the door at 5 a.m. — is going to be a distant memory. Before college becomes a memory, I suggest you take as many personal health days (to recover from last night’s hangover) as you can and buy a round for your friends at the bar while your mom still pays for your shit.

— Mallory Hawkins is a communication senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.