What is Catnip?

This is Catnip: words on paper forming sentences, sometimes paragraphs, in a humorous way. Why? Because satire means we can say stuff like: Lisa Frank is a raging alcoholic. This is all thanks to our country’s awesome Constitution and Supreme Court cases like Hustler magazine’s against Jerry Falwell. Due to a bunch of dead white guys who wore powdered wigs and owned slaves, and a guy who runs a porno empire anchored on photos of women peeing, we can aimlessly speculate that Lisa Frank is a raging alcoholic. God bless America.

Is Lisa Frank a raging alcoholic?

Lisa Frank is probably not a raging alcoholic. My guess is, she drops acid or something worse, because there’s no way she could create all those sparkling rainbow unicorn bullshit stickers and lunchboxes without being high off her ass. You’d have to be on some wicked hallucinogens to come up with characters like Hunter, the neon-pink leopard who “”hunts”” tropical flowers and banana cream pies. Sadly, it’s only a matter of time until some confused 7-year-old girl gets mauled trying to pet a mountain lion because of this shit.

My guess is Ketamine.

Weekly Apology: Our town

Local celebrities like Lisa Frank usually keep to the Foothills except for when they come into town to get their fix. Unfortunately, nowadays it might be hard for them to find their dealers since every road in Tucson is torn up because the idiot City Council and the Arizona Department of Transportation decided to take on massive construction projects simultaneously. Although this will probably kill off a few dozen people over the coming years because their ambulances can’t get them to the hospital in time, the real issue at hand is the extra five minutes it takes to get to the bars on Congress Street. Give it another month and there’ll be riots in the streets (with people getting stuck on Fourth Avenue) – cause you can only get food poisoning from Bison Witches so many times.

So for all you new freshman, transfer and grad students, we apologize for Tucson’s already shitty roads being under construction. Oh, we’re also sorry for the fact that 40 percent of the town has no sidewalks.

Random Review: Meth

Meth, crystal meth, chalk, ice, crank, yaba, tweak: it’s all the rage these days. Honestly, I didn’t know much about this drug except that a bunch of people in Tucson cruise around in sweet, motorized wheelchairs because of it and that it turns normal-looking people into the Cryptkeeper. Little did I know, meth is one of the most versatile drugs, according to the Arizona Meth Project Web site, and “”can be swallowed, snorted, smoked, injected or inserted anally.”” Other side effects include an “”increased level of energy, decrease in appetite and (users) may be more likely to engage in reckless or unwanted sex.”” If you think that’s fresh, the site also describes meth as increasing sexual desire and stamina. So it’s like a diet/energy/sex drug that causes euphoria? Awesome! If it’s anything like what the project describes it as, this drug gets a thumbs up.

And, for unwittingly glamorizing a highly addictive substance that most users get pushed on them in middle school, the project gets a thumbs down.

Hollywouldn’t: Steven Seagal

Drug abuse is a huge problem among washed-up actors and is like a requisite bookend for most Hollywood careers. But if you’re looking for someone who probably has the best drug hook-up in Tinseltown, look no further than Steven Seagal (not to be confused with the Seattle Seahawks’ cheerleading squad, the Sea Gals). Turns out, Seagal is blaming the FBI for killing his acting career. According to the aging martial artist, the FBI released false accusations that Seagal was hiring people to terrorize reporters. In a Los Angeles Times interview Seagal said, “”These kinds of inflammatory allegations scare studio heads and independent producers and kill careers.””

Funny, here I was thinking his career tanked because Seagal couldn’t act his way out of a cardboard box. Seriously, though, can we just get the formalities out of the way and start the cameras rolling for another movie adaptation of “”Double Dragon”” featuring Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme? I heard director Uwe Boll’s schedule is free.

Quote of the Week

“”A moment I’ve been dreading. George brought his ne’er-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida. The one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I’ll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they’ll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work.””

– Michael Kinsley on a younger President George W. Bush, speculating about what he might find in the recently published “”Reagan Diaries””