Hey, mom. Hey, dad. Great you could make it out here this Family Weekend to visit your children and see where your thousands and thousands of dollars in tuition money go each year.
Hey, we think the landscaping is nice, too.
But before you meet up with little Billy or Sally for your tour around campus, put down this paper and walk away. If your progeny are attending the UA, stop reading now. Little Billy and Sally, this one is for you.
You may have known mom and dad are coming to visit for at least a few weeks. So how do you go about making sure all the college excess is put away in time for their arrival?
They spent years with plastic electric-outlet blockers and padding for every conceivable place you could bump your head, so now it’s time to return the favor.
It’s time for students to parent-proof their pad.
1. Remove alcohol and paraphernalia
Yes, it is time to throw away your sweet collection of old liquor bottles. Place them conveniently under your bed or throw them in the bottom drawer and cover them with folders. You can reminisce about that weekend that you and your crew killed those two bottles of rum … if you can remember it.
Your shot glass collection might want to be stacked into your sock drawer, as well. Mom and dad might not think your “”Family Guy”” glasses are as hilarious as you do.
2. Scrub the bathroom
By mid-October, college bathrooms have had enough time to develop that brown gunk in the corners of the tub, and the sink is covered with enough hair to resemble a carpet.
Bust out those big yellow rubber gloves and something antibacterial and get to work. That way, parents will know it’s not a health hazard to use your bathroom.
3. Clean out the fridge
Your roommates said your Food Network-worthy pasta piled with vegetables, complicated red sauce and nine cheeses was delicious – but that was three weeks ago.
If the amount of leftovers covered with tin foil in your fridge shines like Las Vegas when you open the door for a midnight snack, it might be time to throw some stuff away.
Reuse those dozens of Target bags stuffed under your sink to scrape the food into, then soak the dishes in the sink. You might be surprised at the number of pots and pans you discover.
Hey, maybe you will even get inspired to use them and cook the parents a nice “”Welcome to Tucson”” meal.
Well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. They can take you out to eat on University Boulevard.
4. Rethink wall decorations
Those poster sales on the UA Mall are awesome. You smile up at your wall every day before class at the poster of those two chicks kissing and that other of Bob Marley smoking a doobie – man, your room is rockin’.
On the other hand, the ‘rents may be surprised to find their “”book money”” got allocated to your “”poster”” fund.
For this weekend, you might want to try replacing that Marley poster with a periodic table of elements. Not a chemistry major? Try the poster with the two kittens hanging onto a telephone wire with a cheeky caption that says “”Hang in there!”” Your mom would find that hilarious.
5. Pre-screen a campus tour
Find out the locations of all the buildings you should be spending more time in and take your parents to see them. Hit up the Main Library.
Avoid the UA Mall around noon so mom doesn’t get hit in the head with an errant Frisbee or shouted at by religious fanatics. This is the University of Arizona, not Woodstock.
Your department is always a good pick for a tour, and then you might take them to University for some Gentle Ben’s. Let them pick up the tab.
OK, mom and dad, you can start reading again. Have an awesome time walking around the UA! We know you’re so proud of your responsible children.
