The UA, a generally well-respected institution of learning, has been overrun with bros. Typically adorned in the standard bro uniform of muscle shirts, well-manicured hair, sunglasses and tribal tattoos, these individuals are viewed by almost everyone as a dark stain upon our university. Lacking any sense of individuality, the bros offer nothing to any discussion and are barely visible in class. Of course, being a very large and diverse campus, it’s impossible to classify all of these overly masculine, party-obsessed individuals into one category, so here’s a guide to the different types of bro that plague our campus:
The frat bro: The most easily recognizable bro on campus is also the cockiest. These bros often have few interests except banging chicks, “”raging”” and looking identical to the other members of their bro pack. Generally, any conversation outside the realm of fraternity politics or the sexual behavior of sorority girls is too much to handle and must be dumbed down. Like most other bros, they can be seen at the gym, but can also be spotted creeping along sorority row, the Park Student Union or any pool within five miles. It should also be noted that in order to be a frat bro, one doesn’t necessarily have to be a member of a fraternity; simply acting like one is enough.
The Eller bro: These bros are interesting, as they are usually the smartest of all. Eller is a tough program and in order to get in, you have to prove that you are up to the task. However, regardless of their intelligence, some business students still fall victim to the bro fad. Like the frat bros, they are also extremely cocky, but often abandon the standard bro uniform for nice button-down shirts or the perennially trashy Affliction or Ed Hardy. They can usually be heard discussing how great their future will be and, in some instances, how nice their car is.
The Hulk bro: Do you ever get tired of continual grunts in the weight room at the gym? Well, you have the hulk bro to blame. These creatures spend every possible minute pumping iron and drinking protein shakes. What they lack in intellectual capability, they make up for in pure brawn. They are the most insecure of all bros and usually spend any down time looking in the mirror or complimenting their fellow bro pack members on their pecs. However, watch out; they can also be violent, you never know how bad their ‘roid rage will be.
The longboard bro: Usually the strictest adherents to the bro uniform, longboard bros are similar to frat bros in attitude, but differ in a few fundamental ways. For example, unlike all other bro categories, these individuals hardly ever travel in packs. Instead, longboard bros skate around campus alone, sporting sunglasses and muscle shirts, searching for attention. Due to their increased mobility, they can be seen pretty much anywhere on campus at anytime, although their favorite hangout is the PSU.
The king bro: While they won’t admit it, every bro pack from every category has a leader. Being bros, they would never verbally acknowledge a leader of the pack, but when you sit back and watch, it becomes very clear. The king bro usually has the largest muscles and travels in the middle of the pack, surrounded by his peons. In some cases, he may have the most money, but always has the smuggest face of all. Creating a hierarchy goes against main bro philosophy, as they all think they’re the best, but it’s important to remember that deep down, bros are some of the most insecure people around and know when they’ve been out-bro’d. It’s all about body language. Next time you see a bro pack, keep an eye out for the king bro.
The bro movement is one of the biggest threats facing the UA’s sliding reputation. They disdain all things intelligent and wish for a simple world of mindless, primal competition. Their obsession with self-gratification and lack of scholarship reflect poorly on our school. We like to think of ourselves as better than our completely bro’d out rivals in Tempe, but if the bro movement is allowed to spread at its current rate, there won’t be much to separate us. The UA recently fell in the U.S. News and World Report rankings, and that’s likely partially due to an increase of students with the anti-intellectual bro mentality. College is partially about self-exploration, yet these pack animals know nothing of individuality and do whatever is most popular.
While fashion is very important to bros, one must not forget that first and foremost, bro-ness is a mentality. There are many people who, for whatever reason, choose to dress like a bro, but lack any bro qualities in their personality. So don’t be too quick to judge, as oftentimes someone who looks like a bro may just surprise you with his brilliance. Nonetheless, the bro movement is spreading like wildfire, making it the civic duty of everyone with at least half a brain to keep this epidemic of douchebaggery from taking over campus.
— Andrew Shepherd is a political science senior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
