Are your students annoying?

I’m not annoyed by them.

Do they ever hit on you?

They have hit me a few times. They haven’t hit on me.

Would you ever date one of your students?

I would ask them to put the correct grade on their paper, but I would never go on a date with one of my students.

Your hair’s voluminous today. You look like Jesus.

I forgive you for saying that.

Do people tell you that you look like Jesus a lot?

Sinners do.

How do you get such volume in your hair? Girls would kill for that.  Do you blow-dry it?

I’ve done it like twice in the gym locker room.

You’re not embarrassed to blow-dry your hair in front of other men?

I’m embarrassed generally speaking, so I’m no more embarrassed to do that.

Speaking of embarrassing, you know that guy who got pregnant because his wife was barren and went on “”Oprah?”” If you could do that, would you? Would you get knocked up for the greater good of the family?

Where would they put it?

I don’t know, that’s for science to decide.

I don’t know if my body would be a good place to inject a fetus. Or a zygote.

Why?

Well, I have been trying to eat more carrots. But I’m afraid of the caffeine intake. I wouldn’t want to make a monster.

I don’t think your kid would be a monster, I think it would just be very alert.  Would you name your child after yourself?

No, I think naming a child after yourself is even more egotistical than actually having a child. But it’s a tradition, like Passover.

Speaking of Passover, do you wear a yarmulke?

They’re changing the school rules to let you carry a concealed yarmulke.

Do you think that will alienate any of your students?

Well, some of my students are Jewish.

Don’t you think that’s an unfair advantage over the gentile students?

I actually cover up the students’ names when I’m grading. You know that game Twister? What I like to do is distribute the papers over the circles in the game and distribute grades from there.

I think some of my teachers have been doing that as well, but I haven’t been able to prove it. Is this common?

You know that person who sits at the front of the CCIT (Center for Computing and Information Technology)? If you listen, on the hour, they say like “”right foot, red.””

Every time a right food lands on red, a freshman gets a D. But D is degree.

— Claire Engelken