Disclaimer: The content of this story is purely satirical and Lexie McHill is a character fabricated by Fiona Sievert.
A year ago today, 22-year-old Lexie McHill attained happiness – and she wants you to be happy too!
McHill decided to focus her full energy on achieving a state of true happiness exactly 3 years ago when she attended a 45 minute healing hot yoga session featuring the world’s two cutest emotional support goats: Yogi and Yoda. Reportedly, after striking the first pose, Warrior, her pores unclogged themselves, and her skin became impossibly dewey and soft. That afternoon, as she walked from her hot yoga class into the 104 degree weather outside, she realized something.
“I knew that my skin — and of course also my life — would never reach its full potential unless I could get out of this awful heat,” McHill said, letting out a laugh. “But I knew that I couldn’t stop my yoga practice either. My inner child would never forgive me.”
At a loss, McHill turned on some brain stimulating tunes and sat down to think.
“Looking back, the answer seems so obvious, but at the time my thinking was still confined to this reality, so it took me a while to come up with a solution,” McHill said, a little smile on her face.
So what was the solution? Think: opposite of hot yoga.
McHill began her cold yoga practice in her own home by turning down her AC and leaving her freezer door open. She described the feeling of this first experience as “utterly transformational” and even “enlightening.”
Over the course of the next few months, McHill’s life changed. She received compliments from at least 15 strangers a day, she had an excuse to wear expensive cute yoga outfits every day and she was happy.
This sudden happiness was clear to others as well, and before long, her friends were begging her to share her secret with them.
It was hard at first, according to McHill.
“Those old friends only valued me for my knowledge about this secret to happiness. I mean, sure, I had discovered this novel concept, but it’s not like they had some sort of fundamental right to ‘free’ happiness,” McHill said.
Unlike many modern entrepreneurs though, McHill is driven by her selfless desire to improve the lives of others. Even after enduring the hassling of her former friends, she was willing to share her enlightenment with the world, aware that there were those out there who would appreciate and respect her innovation.
Armed with her knowledge of the happiness-inducing combination of cryotherapy and yoga, McHill started her business, McHill Cryoga.
“The classes might cost you on a superficial economic plane, but on the spiritual plane? You’re gonna be rich – just like me!” McHill said, emphasizing again just how much cryotherapy yoga has healed her from within.
Upon walking into the studio, it is self-evident that McHill cares for the happiness and well-being of her penguins (the affectionate name she has given her regulars). The in-studio freezers that cool the room are stocked with distilled Arctic ice, ensuring that those who come in search of inner healing are not met with outer pollution. For only a small additional charge, studio instructors provide encouraging wisdom to penguins, showcasing how deep their care truly runs. Nobody walks out of the studio unhappy either: a smile is required as a pass to exit the room for any reason.
McHill Cryoga is located at 3407 North Poll Blvd. For only $60 per 60 minute session, cold yoga can bring you true happiness too! Monthly memberships with six free sessions included are available for $359.99.
(McHill Cryoga reserves the right to claim responsibility for any and all feelings of happiness experienced by our members. Should you or your loved ones undergo any additional feelings of happiness, unassociated with McHill Cryoga and prior to providing financial compensation, you may face criminal allegations. We do not distribute free samples of our product.)
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Fiona Sievert is an undergraduate at the University of Arizona double majoring in Anthropology and East Asian Studies with a minor in German Studies. She loves languages, wearing funky outfits, and (occasionally) being a dirtbag in the great outdoors!
