The horoscopes have changed, and people are upset. What started as a few status trickles on Facebook soon turned into a veritable newsfeed deluge and global upset as those pesky scientists reevaluated an astrological system implemented 3,000 years ago and found that, super surprisingly, a few things have changed.  

The insolent people behind this unsettling change are the astronomers of the Minnesota Planetarium Society. A little simple research revealed that the moon’s gravitational pull changed the alignment of the Earth a little bit over those years, thus shifting all of the pre-accepted star signs and even adding a new one. Obviously, this is going to lead to an apocalyptic paradigm shift of personality, where people who were once outgoing party animals now become reserved, pet-loving introverts. Aquarius becomes Capricorn. Aries becomes Pisces. This will lead to identity crisis chaos that could end the world we know.

Or, obviously not. Because while the science has changed, what the shift really reveals more than ever is something I’ve known all along: Astrology is completely useless.

There is no way to group the entire population of people in the world into twelve categories and then decide their daily ups and downs based upon it. Reading the newspaper in the morning and seeing “”You will get a huge promotion today”” seems great until you realize that half a billion other people will receive the same boon. Running into Steve, Tasha and Jim in the boss’s office will be a fun reminder that you’re all Capricorns, as you are all promoted to Co-Co-Co-VP. At least account for the fact that some people just have horrible days (Aquarius: You are resilient and tenacious, which is good because all of your exploits will blow today.)

It’s not a bad scam, not many people are being hurt because of it, but I’m glad this science has proven its utter inefficiency. People who have spent their whole life arguing astrology because they truly “”embody”” a Scorpio are now left stranded in the cold, dark land of Libra. And I think it’s great. Personally I’m looking forward to my new life as a Capricorn, ditching my “”love of humanity”” for a “”determination to succeed,”” which is a fair trade, further bolstering my callous self-centeredness. Everyone else should learn to let go of their previous lives as a Pisces or Libra and embrace new possibilities. Imagine the improved bar talk: “”Hey Babe, remember when last night you said we were incompatible because I was a Capricorn? Well, Honey, now I’m a Sagittarius. And my newfound sense of human connectivity thinks it sees a mirror in your pocket.””

In fact, to make it all easier, let’s just invent an entirely new system, one that makes just as much sense as the old one. We’ll call it UberStrology, and it’ll be grouped as so:

Aquacaprices (The Waterdripper): Jan. 14 – Dec. 20. You are an outgoing person, not too crazy, but not too reserved either. You have a healthy love for studying and for eating good food, but dislike botulism and spiders. Everyday will be full of mildly uplifting but overall inane victories in life. Also you have a driving determination to love humanity.

Beiberious (The Antichrist): Dec. 21 – Jan. 13. You are the spawn of Satan. Your only goal in life is to devour the souls of the Aquacaprices. (Incidentally, this is also every day’s horoscope).

And there you go. Just as helpful in getting you through life as astrology, without the added confusion of many different types of people. Life should be simpler this way, and the sooner we start conforming to our pre-set personality types, the sooner we can start finding new methods of baseless mysticism to project our lives onto.

Some people might argue, correctly, that I am only accounting for the ‘mainstream’ astrology, and discounting the more complex and intricate study of the stars. To that I reply, “”good catch.”” However, I also argue that the same realignment affects those more detailed star charts, and you should still probably reevaluate the past 3,000 years’ worth of conclusions. I’m personally excited to just get on with it, since my new daily horoscope foresees “”GREAT finances”” (dailyscopes.com), whereas my ex-horoscope warns of “”troubled financial times ahead.”” Dodged a bullet there! Thanks, science.

— Johnny McKay is a media arts senior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.