With Christmas just around the corner, I assume you’ve already made your list and now you’re just checkin’ it twice. Although I trust your judgment about who’s been bad or good, I am sure it wouldn’t hurt to get a second opinion. I have been taking notes throughout the year and am writing to tell you who’s been naughty and nice at the UA.
Topping the “”naughty”” list this year are pedestrians. They may have the world fooled that they are do-gooders by walking instead driving, but hopefully you can see through their act. Like many of the drivers on and around campus, I can attest to the naughtiness that pedestrians have been up to. As if jumping in front of a waiting car in order to cross the street wasn’t bad enough, pedestrians also tend to walk as slow as Christmas in front of said car. Until they have the courtesy to let cars that have been waiting for five minutes pass, pedestrians deserve to stay off the “”nice”” list. The same goes for bikers who fail to stop at stop signs.
While we are on the topic of “”naughty”” lists, I have a few more suggestions: loud gum chewers, those who refuse to silence their phones in class, double parkers, rude waiters, those who create unnecessary drama in others’ lives and ASU fans. Even if they have some redeeming qualities, these people have caused enough annoyance to others that they should not be considered for the “”nice”” list.
Instead, the spots on the “”nice”” list should be reserved for those who have been doing good deeds yearlong and who have received nothing but a thank you for their goodwill. This year, Starbucks workers who, despite a complicated order, get it right on the first try; professors who are helpful during office hours; and people who hold the door open for me instead of letting it slam in my face deserve to be on the “”nice”” list.
Now that we’ve determined the naughty and the nice, let’s discuss gifts. I have a few ideas in mind that I am sure you and the elves will approve. In fact, I think you might like them so much that you’ll want to hire me as a gift consultant.
Stumped on what to get the loose boys and girls who prance the streets — and sheets — of campus, from one bedroom to another? Perhaps, rather than that sweater they have picked out, your elves should look into scheduling an appointment for an STD screening at Campus Health Service as a gift. You can stop the “”gift”” that keeps on giving, and help others say goodbye to chlamydia in the new year.
A bro-dar detector will bring happiness to every girl who had her heart broken by a bro this year. Every gym rat would jump for joy upon receiving ten cases of Muscle Milk, even though the cases will only last one week. For the five athletes who don’t already own a pair, please bring Beats by Dre headphones; it has to be rough to be such an outcast. And you can’t forget about the people who take school way too seriously. I think they would have the best Christmas if they found a chill pill in their stockings.
As for the girls who insist on being made-up around the clock, you should get them mirrors. I know you’re thinking, “”They obviously have to have a mirror to get ready in,”” but I have recently realized this isn’t the case. If they did, they’d be able to see they are not better looking than everyone else; they are just a bit more orange.
Perhaps the best gift suggestion I have is for senior Wildcats, naughty and nice alike. Imagine the surprise if the seniors woke up on Christmas morning to find the perfect gift from Santa — a job after college.
And if this is too greedy, you don’t have to do it, but I was thinking that rather than topping mine with a bow, could I get a completed Honors thesis? Thank you, Santa. You’re the best.
— Mallory Hawkins is a communication senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
