I knew what to expect when I went to see “”Shoot ‘Em Up””: lots of guns and people shooting them at each other.

What I didn’t expect was only lots
of guns and people shooting them at each other. I assumed there would be a fairly decent plot explaining who the people are and why they’re shooting at each other, but that was not the case.

“”Shoot ‘Em Up”” is the story of an innocent bystander (Clive Owen) who gets involved in some weird murder plot involving a baby. Oh, and the innocent bystander just so happens to be some professionally trained, gunslinging superhuman who never misses a shot and is as flashy as he is angry.

Along the way to uncovering the intriguing story behind the wanted baby, the bystander – who is known only by the alias “”Smith”” – recruits a lactating hooker (Monica Bellucci) to keep the baby fed, and of course ends up killing about five hundred of the bad guy’s (Paul Giamatti) men while sustaining only minimal wounds to his own body.

“”Shoot ‘Em Up”” seems to be the type of movie that can’t decide whether it wants to be serious or amusing. The amount of lame gags and one-liners make it seem like the film is supposed to be a joke, much like “”Snakes on a Plane.”” But the problem with the gags and one-liners is that they are so ridiculous and over-the-top, you are more inclined to cringe than laugh.

No one in their right mind would expect a film with brutal violence and absurd storytelling to be taken seriously.

What is most mind-boggling about the movie is what could have possibly motivated such high caliber actors as Owen and Giamatti to sign on to star in it. Maybe they were brainwashed by the director or just really desperate for some money.

Either way, no amount of good acting can salvage writer/director Michael Davis’ dismal script, which contains such zingers as “”I’m a British nanny, and I’m dangerous.””

The action scenes in the film are laughable, but seeing as they provide the only real entertainment in the movie, I guess I can’t be too critical. I imagine that if “”James Bond”” got extremely high on meth and fornicated with “”Once Upon a Time in Mexico,”” the resulting lovechild would probably come close to what “”Shoot ‘Em Up”” is like.

With a title like “”Shoot ‘Em Up,”” I can’t really expect a cinematic masterpiece. So by all means, if you’re into good, clean, high-quality smut-tacular fun, go see “”Shoot ‘Em Up.”” I insist!