Lost in Translation: Star Wars

The Internet is a “”series of tubes,”” according to Alaska senator Ted Stevens. Naturally, sometimes stuff gets clogged in these tubes and takes time to resurface. Stuff like “”Star War: The Backstroke of the West.””

At a time when the Motion Picture Association of America is vigorously attempting to rid the United States of pirated movies, black-market DVDs are easily available for purchase in other countries. Often these movies are translated into other languages, then retranslated back into English, like “”Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith,”” known in its retranslated version as “”Star War: The Backstroke of the West.””

The black-market DVD, discovered by blogger Jeremy Winterson, can be found on the streets of Hong Kong and juxtaposes the character’s actual lines against horribly translated subtitles. Echoing of the “”All Your Base”” phenomenon, the movie opens with Anakin shouting, “”Game time started,”” to which Obi-Wan replies, “”Our dichotomy opens the combat.”” But “”Backstroke of the West”” isn’t just limited to broken English. In this retranslation, R2D2 has a problem with incessantly “”fucking,”” the Jedi Council is called the Presbyterian Church and giving somebody first-aid causes “”disheveled hair projection.””

Sadly, “”The Backstroke of the West”” is more entertaining than George Lucas’ original script.

Lokale Politik

It’s not often that an arts section of a newspaper will formally endorse a political candidate. Here at the Wildcat arts desk, however, we have decided to buck convention and support Michael Toney in his bid for mayor of Tucson. Most likely a write-in candidate, Toney is part of a key demographic of the populous who are egregiously underrepresented in our municipal government: the homeless.

Who better to embody the traits of the Old Pueblo than someone who literally calls the city his home?

Plus, Toney is a regular at City Council meetings and, although we don’t quite understand what he is talking about, we fully promote his stated positions on lasers and fiber optics.

We tried to contact Toney for more information on his campaign; however, he was unable to return our calls due to the fact that he doesn’t have a phone.

Holy Crap: The Cool Church

Taking on Tucson’s “”The Cool Church”” is kinda like beating a dead horse – then again, I don’t like horses that much. Recently the local press has reamed Tucson Community Church founding pastor David McAllister for his claims that homosexuality reduces life-expectancy by more than 30 years and for his church services that are more like gay-bashing rock concerts (…funny, and I thought Jesus told us to “”love one another””).

But “”The Cool Church”” wasn’t that much of a problem until it started flooding local airwaves with idiotic commercials. Shot in the McAllister’s living room, the church’s 30-second spot features the frantic pastor shaking a golf club, jocularly threatening to bash his big-screen TV in the name of God. Even more intimidating than his forced charisma is his attire. Wearing a polo shirt three sizes too small tucked into his jeans (sans belt), the muscle-bound pastor (equipped with a puka shell necklace and bleached-blond hair) looks more like a ’90s frat boy than anything that should be associated with the words “”cool”” or “”church.””

Besides, going to church is suppose to be boring and painful. If God wanted church to be fun, he would have had Jesus die doing something chic, like bungee jumping or overdosing on drugs.

Quote of the Week

“”Her song is called ‘Gimme More’ for a reason, ’cause all you people want is more, more, more! Leave her alone! (intense crying) You’re lucky she even performed for you bastards! Leave Britney alone! Please …leave Britney Spears alone right now! I mean it! Anyone who has a problem with her, you deal with me, because she’s not well right now. (intense crying) Leave her alone.””

– Britney Spears “”super-fan”” Chris Crocker’s plea to the media

Hollywouldn’t: VMAs

For those of you who missed the MTV Video Music Awards this Sunday, it was a momentous event. I think Dave Grohl had the best analogy when he likened Britney to the Roomba vacuum: she’s designed to suck and you don’t even have to pay attention to her.

Within the first five minutes of the show, viewers witnessed the rebirth and death of Spears’ career.

In a panic, producers began searching for something else to put on camera and frantically started cutting to celebrities, but found them just as perplexed. Rapper 50 Cent, who had reportedly been out partying with Britney the night before, was caught on camera with a “”What the fuck is going on”” look. The debacle made K-Fed’s WWE stint look like a good career move.

Apparently Britney Spears has nobody to blame but herself. Witnesses state that upon arriving in Vegas for the VMAs Spears blew off the first three hours of rehearsal to head back to her hotel room to chow down on nachos and margaritas.

Magician and resident jackass Criss Angel was scheduled to be organizing Britney’s performance but cancelled days before. All the more reason to believe the 39-year old illusionist has moved on to Spears’ 16-year-old sister.

Random Review: 7-Eleven

If you’ve ever wanted to simultaneously get creeped out and receive crappy customer service, you’re in luck – the 7-Eleven at Park Avenue and Speedway Boulevard is here to service both those needs. To be honest, the only reason this place is still in business is because of its location directly across the street from campus.

Although it may appear to be a normal convenience store on the outside, it’s severely understocked and at best estimate, employees stopped checking the Slurpee machine sometime around 2003.

God forbid you want to buy anything because it will take 10 minutes to locate what you want in the disheveled mess, and then another 10 to get the staff to stop talking and operate the register – I’m sorry you had to take a break from talking about Warcraft long enough to do your job. And if you’re a girl, good luck making it out of the store without one of the clerks undressing you with his eyes. If you see their hands dip below the register, it’s probably time to leave.

For being a case study in filth and the habitual hiring of local creeps, the Park and Speedway 7-Eleven gets a thumbs down.