It’s official: Jan Brewer is our new governor! Our prayers have been answered. We can all breathe a collective sigh of relief – one that will likely cause a palpable spike in atmospheric carbon dioxide levels. No worries, though, for Gov. Brewer isn’t a wretched tree-hugging environmentalist who believes in fantasies like global warming. Thank God.

In her first few days at the helm of our sinking ship, Gov. Brewer has come out swinging, announcing that she will “”right the ship that has been looking to the left for the past six years.”” Whew! I’m just relieved that she can see past all the partisan nonsense, for senseless bickering is so last year. After all, Arizona has some pretty substantive issues on the table, like the record-smashing budget deficit that makes a billion bucks seem like Monopoly money.

Obviously, this deficit is a big problem. If only those morally repugnant and fiscally irresponsible Democrats weren’t so keen on spending, spending, spending… Of course, I simply mean to say that if Janet Napolitano had been a Republican during her six-year tenure, then there would be no budget deficit in the first place – never mind that 36 of the 50 states are facing similar budget shortfalls in this global recession. Heck, those 36 deficits are probably Napolitano’s fault, too.

If there’s one thing Republicans love, however, it’s gutting a budget with a rusty hatchet, and Brewer is no exception. She claims her role as governor is to free Arizonans “”from the heavy-handed Democrat-led government, whose spending priorities seemed to focus on things people neither want nor really need.”” As a result of this non-partisan belief, I’m confident that, given a strong enough axe, Jan Brewer can eliminate the budget deficit altogether. Sure, education and healthcare will be decimated beyond recognition. But, really, who wants or needs such trivial things? After all, what we really want is a fat tax cut.

The new governor’s insight into governance is fairly straightforward: less is more. According to the Arizona Daily Star, “”Brewer said the role of government is to provide public safety and ‘keep the people of Arizona as unburdened as possible.'”” Finally, someone understands that education, health care and environmental conservation are mere burdens breaking the backs of hard-working Arizonans, robbing them of their tax dollars.

Jan Brewer isn’t crazy, though. She realizes that she can’t right this ship without help, which is why she has recruited some all-star players to restore Arizona to greatness and glory.

Speaking of greatness and glory, there’s this saying that some things never die. Tim Bee is one such thing. Voters in Southern Arizona just barely rejected his bid for Congress in 2008, with a final nail-biting margin of 56 percent to 41 percent. In fact, the results were so close that Mr. Bee refused to concede the election to Gabrielle Giffords, instead vowing to persevere and come out on top. To my knowledge, he has yet to do so. Anyway, that’s ancient history now, since Gov. Brewer has appointed Tim Bee to head up her southern Arizona office. So, even though voters rejected Bee’s bid to represent them in November, he will now represent them. Some call it unfortunate – a failure of democracy, even – but I call it poetic. Already, you see, Brewer is alleviating unemployment in Arizona.

I won’t bore you with the credentials of Brewer’s other people; instead, rest assured that the governor’s team is comprised of similarly competent and talented individuals. Shoot, by this time next week the budget deficit will be a thing of the past – just like the state-funded university system and the Arizona Health Cost Containment System (AHCCCS).

Perhaps then, with fiscal policy issues out of the way, Brewer and Co. can focus on the truly important issues – the moral issues that impinge upon our safety. We can look to Jan Brewer to protect our children from the morally bankrupt homosexuals who recruit at our schools, to criminalize a woman’s right to choose, to integrate church and state once and for all. If there’s one thing she won’t do, it’s waste precious government funds to violate civil liberties with pointless and needless legislation. We can be sure of that.

Yes, soon enough, Arizona will be a land indistinguishable from the one described in Dante’s Paradiso – or maybe I’m thinking of Inferno.

-ÿJustin Huggins is a senior majoring in ecology and evolutionary biology. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.