Cops responding to marijuana call

Girl: I hate being on the fifth floor! It’s so high!

Cop: Apparently not as high as the eighth floor.

– Coronado Residence Hall

Girl: It reeks of drunk college kids in here.

– Social Sciences 100

Girl: I opened the door to the washing machine and my alarm clock was in there!

– Park Student Union

Guy: I want to get you worked up till your heart’s racing.

Girl: Yeah baby? Mmm I can’t wait … oh … shit … speaking of heart racing, remind me to get a refill for my inhaler.

– The Cellar Bistro

After Nic Wise misses free throw

Girl: He’s upset. They get so butt-hurt when they miss.

Guy behind her: Girls also get butt-hurt when I miss.

– McKale Center

Boy: Your roommate is crazy.

Girl: Oh, the one that accidentally lit your pants on fire?

Boy: No, she’s pretty cool. The other one, she’s crazy!

– Park Student Union

Girl One: I heard this song the other day by a new band called the ‘Foo Fighters.’ Stupid name, right? I don’t think they’ll last long.

Girl Two: Ew, yeah I saw the music video, must be their very first single. Who gets into music at 40?

– Park Student Union

Girl: I can’t date guys who are uncircumcised. It’s like they have penises in little outfits!

– Bison Witches

Boy: If I had to choose between water and
Keystone, I would choose Keystone. It has more water than water!

– Coronado Residence Hall

Guy: People with mustaches don’t fuck around.

– Modern Languages building

Girl: But didn’t he sleep with all the black women?

Guy: My dad or Abraham Lincoln?

– Student Union Memorial Center