Hollywood is supposed to be a magnet for creative people, so why can’t it actually be creative? The movie business is out of ideas and unwilling to take risks. It takes a safe-bet superhero movie franchise like “Superman,” “Batman” or “Spider-Man,” makes a ton of money off of a trilogy and then just reboots the franchise a few years later. It’ll make a bad remake of any classic film or TV series, from “Planet of the Apes” to “Footloose” to “The Dukes of Hazzard” to “The Pink Panther.” Need I go on?
It’s time for Hollywood to give up any hypocritical pretense of devotion to artistic integrity and just be honest about what it’s about these days: cashing in, selling out and scraping the bottom of the sequel barrel. So, I’ll pitch some absolutely ridiculous sequels that would be very profitable. I hope the studio big shots in La La Land are reading.
“Logging Back into the Social Network” — This sequel will pick up where the original’s ambiguous ending left off. Mark Zuckerberg will continue to update his Facebook status, make friend requests, post to people’s walls and “like” stuff. The entire film will depict his three-hour Facebook binge in real time, with absolutely no dialogue. A film this arty and boring can be made on a very small budget, and since the original was nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars, quite a few suckers are bound to buy a ticket. Besides, tons of people are on their smartphones in movie theaters anyway, and a lot of them are on Facebook. If the audience ignores the screen, why can’t the screen ignore the audience?
“Titanic 2: My Brains Will Go On” — Two years after the sinking of the Titanic, the people who died in the shipwreck begin crawling out of the ocean onto the English coast. Now they are undead zombies, and the only thought in their mostly brain-dead minds is to devour the flesh of the living. Jack used to be after Rose’s heart, but now he’s only interested in her brains! I’m both excited and terrified to hear the inspiring theme song Celine Dion will come up with for this film!
“Casablanca 2: Berlin Drift” — The 1942 original may be one of the greatest films of all time, but it’s way too slow for 21st-century attention spans. This one needs to be an action thriller with lots of explosions. Russell Crowe as Rick Blaine and Jamie Foxx as Sam will parachute behind enemy lines during World War II. The Nazis have killed Victor Laszlo, and Ilsa Lund (played by Jennifer Lawrence) is in a prison camp. Our heroes will rescue Ilsa, blow up Nazi stuff and maybe kill Hitler while they’re at it. You can’t tell me this movie won’t do better with the 18- to 34-year-old demographic than the original “Casablanca” did.
“Some Country For Old Men!” — Tommy Lee Jones, inspired by a dream, assembles a team of over-the-hill action heroes, including Clint Eastwood, the cast of “Last Vegas” and Uncle Drew from the Pepsi MAX commercials. Together, they will unite in the West Texas desert to foil the murderous high jinks of Anton Chigurh, a dastardly villain with a terrible hairdo. This lighthearted romp will do much better at the box office than the original.
“Forrest Gump Returns: Stupid Is As Stupid Does… Save The World” — America’s luckiest underdog continues to be in just the right place at the right time to make history. Tom Hanks will definitely agree to act the part again if it gives him a shot at bagging another Oscar. Jenny Curran may have died in the original film, but Forrest was still alive and kicking, and in the 21st century, he will bumble into capturing Osama bin Laden, helping Barack Obama get elected as the first African-American U.S. president and, most importantly, accidentally inventing the selfie.
Hollywood, you’re welcome! Steven Spielberg, please call me if you want to discuss how big my cut of the revenues will be.
Disclaimer: As a general rule, nothing in Logan Rogers’ columns should be taken seriously.
Logan Rogers is a second-year law student. Follow him @AproOfNo
