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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    “My name is Sam, I’m running for president”

    Send your checks, people, because I’m in. Yes, that’s right: after thoughtful deliberation, the support of many adoring fans (read: my mother) and a check online of my overdrawn bank account, I have decided that I, too, am running for president of the United States of America.

    I have decided to run for president because more than half of all former, current and future elected leaders have announced their candidacy. And after being named Time magazine’s man of the year for 2006, I felt I had the qualifications to run for president.

    We are a great country. Somewhere between “”perfect”” and “”good”” on the country scale. “”Good”” countries are usually not good at all, like Guatemala or Texas, but “”perfect”” countries are rare and generally just self-aggrandizing, like Rome or New Hampshire.

    And here’s my first pledge: I will learn the difference between a state and a State. I still am not sure which one is another country and which one

    Another thing I will do as president is get really smart people to tell me what to do. I will make sure they are super-intelligent, like Stephen Hawking and Oprah.

    is just an awkward, generally backward division under the federal government. All I know is there are Americans in Iraq and Americans in Florida, and both seem pretty angry about something.

    Another thing I will do as president is get really smart people to tell me what to do. I will make sure they are super-intelligent, like Stephen Hawking and Oprah. I also pledge not to hire any kids from the UA Honors College, though, because they tend to be socially inept, and I want to have a wicked-awesome White House Hanukkah Party.

    Oops. Did I tell you I was Jewish? That may be a problem with some people, but if I just play up the fact that Jesus was Jewish before he converted to Christianity, I think I can score some great points. I can probably get “”Jews for Jesus”” to endorse me, which means an extra eight or nine votes.

    Plus, I still believe in a lot of the Bible, which might win over some evangelical voters. I don’t like that stuff against playing football, or that stuff about beating people or selling them into slavery. That’s a good position to take: I am against slavery, no matter what the Bible says. If I just ignore Deuteronomy, I will be safe.

    It’s a long journey, of course, but I have a campaign plan: to win. That’s right, I am for winning and against losing. Except in Iraq. There’s a place where we should probably just give up and walk out, like at a gay bar at two in the morning.

    That’s another thing I probably don’t want to talk about too much if I want anyone in the South to vote for me. Some would say that because I am attracted to men, I am gay. However, I say it just makes me Victorian. Or Republican.

    Either way, I do have a few plans in the area of gay politics. First, I want to legalize and federally protect gay marriage. Not by passing some bill through Congress (which, as that Schoolhouse Rock video says, takes a freaking long time) but instead just declaring a “”War on Anti-Gay Marriage.”” Congress will fund anything with the word “”war”” attached. “”Support our pink-clothed troops,”” I will demand.

    And while we’re on the subject, I think I will detain Hugh Grant as an enemy combatant until he agrees to be my husband. It’s very similar to what Tom Cruise did to Katie Holmes, so I guess I can just ask him for advice on that one.

    Oh, that reminds me: I am totally against Tom Cruise. Not for any personal reasons, but because he hasn’t made a good movie in years. “”Collateral,”” with Jamie Foxx, was really not as good as everyone made it out to be. I much prefer porn or movies in Spanish.

    I guess I need to make some melodramatic, general campaign slogan to complete my campaign announcement. Barack Obama, one of my 312 opponents running for the Democratic nomination, has already said that he believes in hope, which sounds pretty hokey to me. But I guess I must do the same.

    What about “”I believe in you””? It happens to be a great Kylie Minogue song, as well as a Celine Dion and Il Divo collaboration. Maybe I could have Kylie perform at my campaign events. She’s breathtakingly hot, and Lord knows politics needs more of that.

    For now, those are my positions, though my boyfriends can tell you that I have many positions; you just have to get me drunk enough to try them all out.

    Vote for me!

    Sam Feldman is a political science senior. You can send supportive comments or angry letters to letters@wildcat.arizona.edu

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