If you are a Directioner, stop reading. You’re not going to like this or me by the end.

One Direction’s new album Made In The A.M. was released today and I had to listen to the entire deluxe version of the album, which contains 17 songs. 

This is good for One Direction fans, but was honestly pretty miserable for me.

One Direction really disappoints, but that’s not surprising. For five years now, they have released the same songs over and over again for teenage girls who are hypnotized by their beautiful faces, lack of chest hair and their voices that can probably go higher than my own. I don’t understand this phenomena.

The boy band seems to only create two different kinds of songs. The slow “I love you, but something went wrong” kind and the “I enjoy simple life on a beach or in a car” kind. Musically, One Direction only offers gooey ballads that make me see the classic boy band move. 

Or upbeat songs that encourage this nonsense. 

I am sure I sound like some One Direction Scrooge, or an overly-confident hipster, but I think (I hope) that there are others out there that can see past the boy band doozy and listen to One Direction’s music for what it is.

The new album, which in reality is not really “new,” encompasses everything One Direction seems to have ever been about: girls and a good time. Even if the song title implies that they are not going to sing about the topics stated above, I can guarantee that they will.

For example, the band’s new song “Wolves” is most certainly about a girl. “I keep on holding tight now, ‘cause your body’s telling me don’t let go.” I was hoping they were actually going to sing about wolves, but weird interpretations of consent work just fine too.

“Wolves” seems to fall under the jumping up-and-down, NSYNC-gif category. Other songs like this off the album include “Temporary Fix,” “Olivia” and “Walking In The Wind.” Yes, I understand that these songs are different and it would be wrong of me to say that they are the same, but they are basically the same. Sorry, not sorry.

The rest of the songs from Made In The A.M. tend to fit Kevin Hart’s smooth-move vibe with the exception of “Drag Me Down,” “Never Enough” and “History.” But these songs would easily pair the side-step move — just saying.

These three songs are the band’s ”medium” in that they are not slow ballads, but are also not fast enough to sing with your head sticking out of a convertible. I guess they show the more huffy side of One Direction, but I am still not impressed.

I will give credit where it is due. One Direction has become insanely successful and I am sure their new album will be just as successful as their previous ones — a fact I find to be somewhat disturbing.

Made In The A.M. can be described like any other One Direction album: a classic compilation of everything that defines a boy band.

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